Happy Friday, here at the end of September. As we stare down the short and nasty barrel of October, preparing for that long holiday slide into the new year, we need to stop and reflect on just how awful the next few months will be. The fruitcakes. The parties. The idiots. And that’s just the election. Either way it’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): The restaurant you’re planning to eat at will be condemned for health reasons an hour before you get there. That’s not good news, since you recommended it so highly to your boss on the way there. McDonald’s just isn’t the same kind of place for asking for a raise, is it? Your high-risk disease this week: Furunculosis.
Taurus (The Bull): Wow. All I can say is good luck this week – you’re going to need it!
Gemini (The Twins): This is a good week for planning. Not all the plans will come to fruition, but you’ll be better for having made them – like a man, scorned and covered with scars, still striving, with his last ounce of courage, to reach the, um, you know, unreachable stars. And so forth. Sorry. Anyway, your high-risk disease this week is Contagious Ecthyma. Don’t ask me how to pronounce it.
Cancer (The Crab): You will feel like you’re in a maze this week, in your office, metaphorically speaking. You will look for the cheese, the rat poison, the Minotaur, anything to get you the hell right out of there, but you will not find it. They’ve moved your cheese, dude. Time to move on.
Leo (The Lion): This week, you will find your own sense of meaning and purpose in 50 Shades of Grey. Mind you, that purpose may be to write balls to the wall erotica that won’t make people with a college degree cringe, but still, you know, Purpose. Everything is better in Capitol Letters. Your high-risk disease this week: Bovine Tuberculosis.
Virgo (The Virgin): This week, you need to consider if you’re carrying this whole “virgin” thing too far. The unicorns didn’t get on the Ark, you know that, right? You’re not going to catch one, and you’re missing out on a whole lotta hey hey!
Libra (The Scale): Your winning streak continues this week, which really goes against the grain of this Hobbesian horoscope, but hey, I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll have a really lousy week soon enough. Enjoy it while you can! Your high-risk disease this week: Equine Infectious Anemia.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This week your friend will claim they got a flat tire picking you up, making you late for dinner. If you confront them, they’ll hit you upside the head with a tire iron.
Sagittarius (The Archer): You will be visited by 2 friends, 1 real friend, and the spiritual embodiment of Hello Kitty this week. Figuring out which is which is your problem. Your high-risk disease this week: Diphtheria.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): While you will, in fact, narrowly avoid death this week, it will cause you to ponder the meaning of life and the consequences of your actions. Introspection is NOT a good look on you. Have a beer.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You will go to the movies this week, and accidentally sit down in the wrong theater and watch the wrong show. You’ll love it, but you’ll change your name to Midge before you admit it to your friends. Hey, gender is relative these days. Don’t sweat it. Your high-risk disease this week: Echinococcus Multilocularis.
Pisces (The Fish): This week, someone will finally ask you if you’ve been making it all up this whole time. Have your deflector shields ready – they’re onto you!