Happy Friday! It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Standing on a corner this week, you will be struck by an epiphany. Also, the number 27 bus. This is *not* your best week. Just be glad it’s not your last!
Taurus (The Bull): You will finally apply for that Top Secret clearance this week. Boy howdy, will you ever regret that. Hooee. Your high-risk disease this week: Enterococcus.
Gemini (The Twins): You will fall off the vegetarian bandwagon this week, reveling in glorious raw flesh, meat, sweet and full of flavor, guilt, and marrow.
Cancer (The Crab): You will become an overnight sensation this week when that YouTube video of you falling into the pool drunk with your clothes half off goes viral. And by “overnight sensation” I mean you’re fired. Your high-risk disease this week: Epstein-Barr.
Leo (The Lion): This week, you will be invited to a birthday party. Yay for parties! The celebrant is turning 5 years old, a fact that you won’t realize until after you walk in with a gift-wrapped bottle of tequila.
Virgo (The Virgin): You will have a telephone delivery go so badly that T-mobile will have to intercept the package. When you call them, they’ll give you UPS’s phone number. UPS won’t be able to help you, because they’re still showing incomplete delivery info, because T-mobile has you listed under a made-up hyphenated name that is a butchering of your maiden name and married name. Your high-risk disease this week: Fasciolosis Fasciola. And also rage.
Libra (The Scale): As you review 10,000 photos, trying to decide which one will make the cut, you will realize that you’re going to be here all year at this rate and start applying filters willy nilly – eventually it ends with “Tits, or GTFO.” Don’t go there.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You really need to watch something other than crime TV – that’s not the world, that what the world watches. Besides, you’re too young to register a gun in your own name. Also, try to be nicer to people. Your high-risk disease this week: Fatal Familial Insomnia.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Bad news: you’re going to spend the week in front of a hot stove. Good news: Award winning cupcakes, baby! Do the work, win the prize. The world isn’t all bad.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You will attend your first Toastmasters group meeting this week. Even they will laugh and make fun of you. Burn the speech, it’s a dud. Your high-risk disease this week: Fifth Disease.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You will be forcibly abducted by realtors this week and made to watch Househunters until blood comes out your ears, i.e., 3 episodes. They won’t let you go until you agree to close with no points. The only bright spot is that rates are really low right now…
Pisces (The Fish): You will have a great week, as long as by great you include high-end vacations like getting your hair cut, mowing the lawn, working on a proposal effort for the office, and working in your basement. Your high-risk disease this week: Gangrene. Mind that mitre saw!