Happy Friday! It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Once again this week you will set breathtakingly low goals for yourself and still somehow fail to achieve them. Your mother would be so proud.
Taurus (The Bull): Do you remember your 78th sexual partner? I didn’t think so, but they sure remember you, and they’re looking you up on Facebook right now. You’re in for an interesting week. Hey, it’ll be like college all over again, except without the grades, pot, and free condoms from that clinic. Your high-risk disease this week: Chlamydia.
Gemini (The Twins): This will be a week of transitions. Some things need to pass out of your life while new things pass into it. Change can be painful. Drinking heavily is key.
Cancer (The Crab): This week you will be offered a position as an unsalaried lecturer in internal medicine by your best friend’s cousin’s hairdresser’s daughter; if you accept, your life will be forever changed. Choose wisely. Your high-risk disease this week: Ehrlichiosis.
Leo (The Lion): This week, while researching your ancestry you will realize that you are technically in the line of succession for the Scottish throne. If 387 people were to suddenly have interesting and mysterious accidents…
Virgo (The Virgin): You’ve always wanted to skydive. This is NOT the week for trying it. You don’t really even want to try skipping the last step this week – gravity is not your friend. Your high-risk disease this week: Gnathostomiasis.
Libra (The Scale): If you had only one nerve left this week, someone would get on it, wouldn’t they? Touchy, touchy. Try to relax.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is great week for heads down rock and roll, along with learning to put up with people who make more noise that anyone would think possible. Just because you’re smarter than they are doesn’t mean you can walk all over them – except in class. Your high-risk disease this week: Hookworm.
Sagittarius (The Archer): You’ll feel powerful and liberated this week. Hey, enjoy it – it won’t last. Live it up!
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You’re really losing it. By Wednesday, you’ll be quoting Shogun and wondering why your parents don’t call more often. Your high-risk disease this week: Isosporiasis.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): This is a good week to just keep your head down. People have had enough of the whole water thing with the hurricane, you know? Shut up and keep bailing.
Pisces (The Fish): Are you laughing yet? Do I look like Bozo the fucking Clown to you? This would be a good week for considering things you’ve never wanted to know about men, but were afraid to ask. Your high-risk disease this week: Elephantiasis. You know where, too. Ouch!