It’s Friday, and this is my final answer. It’s been a great run since starting on 18 June 2010, but this will be the last regularly scheduled Friday ManFAQ. This year started with a ManFAQ, so it makes sense that we’re very nearly wrapping it up that way too.
For those of you who have posted questions, thank you – and for those who’ve provided comments, errata, and witty repartee, to you also, thanks. I’ll still be taking the occasional questions, assuming the international league of guys doesn’t find me and pull my guy card for telling you all this, and fielding questions more or less as they come, or as it suits me, whichever comes first.
And so I hope that by fielding these 82 questions I have helped, in some small way, to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. For your future reference you should feel free to consult the full list, conveniently available at http://manfaq.biguglymandoll.com/, and coming soon in some fashion to a bookstore near you, I hope. After all – Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?
Question: Why is it that he’s in the mood for Hey Hey when he stumbles home after midnight? What makes this seem like a good idea?
Answer: Since this is the last official Friday ManFAQ, I’m going to give you one last bit of truth – they’ll pull my Guy Card for telling you this anyway.
When he staggers home at a quarter to beer in the morning, he knows full well what kind of trouble he’s in. He’s been out drinking with the boys, he should have called, he should have been home hours ago – and he knows it. While Hey Hey is always on the top of his mind, he is also very aware that right at the moment he could no more have his way with you than could the local harem guards. Even in the event, unlikely at this hour, that you were willing – even if you were waiting upstairs naked spread-eagle and roped to the bedposts like in that dream he had the other night - there is zero chance that he can perform after that much booze. He knows this.
But there he is, walking in the front door and yelling, “Who wants to fuck?” at the top of his voice. Why?
It’s a ruse. He knows that if he tries to come tip-toeing in the house and up the stairs, you’re going to yell at him for being out late drinking. If you hear that, however, the chances are pretty good that you’re going to roll over and pretend you’re asleep so as not to have to deal with the idiot, which means he doesn’t have to get yelled at until the morning. Notice that he never tries too hard to wake you up.
Next time, try yelling “Oh, I do, I do!” and watch the hilarity ensue! I assure you, the look on his face will be equal parts anticipation, bewilderment, and embarrassment. He’ll probably try – he’ll want to try – but he will usually fail.
Now you know.
It has been a pleasure answering all your questions! Please watch this space; I’m going to try something odd next year. And if *I* think it’s odd, you’re probably in trouble.
Happy New Year to all! Wishing you a great 2012, filled with joy and good Hey Hey!