Here it is already Friday - another week, another chance to catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week.
Aries (The Ram): You will wake with the dawn most of this week, but you’re still getting to bed at midnight. When you see a 7-11 on your left, you’ve gone to far – there will be no return without stopping for coffee and a lottery ticket. Your lucky numbers are 3, 27, 18, 34, 42, and 3 again.
Taurus (The Bull): You’re not swimming with the fishes so much as diving with the dolphins this week. That’s not what the blow-hole is for, and you’re going to be banned from SeaWorld if you keep that up. Faa loves Pa, but not like that. Your high-risk disease this week: Bacterial Walnut Blight.
Gemini (The Twins): The stars show that a new gutter will be in your future on Monday. Enjoy it, it’s probably the only bright spot in an otherwise dull week – aside from all the sex, that is.
Cancer (The Crab): The words “Now I’m driving the bus” will factor heavily into your week, starting with the hijacking of city bus number 22-L on Tuesday. You can’t use your umbrella like a sword, but you’ll want it with you when the rain of frogs begins on Thursday next. Your high-risk disease this week: Stripe Rust of Wheat.
Leo (The Lion): This week, you will become more familiar with lubricant. Best of luck with that.
Virgo (The Virgin): You know what you know, you do what you do, but you don’t do what you know. This weekend may be your big chance. Bring your cleats, a 3/4 inch grommet wrench, and a dozen bagels. Your high-risk disease this week: Scrub Typhus.
Libra (The Scale): You have to work on uncorking your army of flying monkeys without justification – it’ll get you talked about. Also, that scarf does not go with that blouse.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You will find a new chandelier this weekend; it’ll freak you out as you will fall asleep staring at it from Monday through Wednesday. Your high-risk disease this week: Meliodosis.
Sagittarius (The Archer): The next band you fall in love with may be your own. Grab a guitar on Monday, learn how to make it talk on Tuesday. Quit shaving in favor of practicing.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This week will bring nothing but misery and car repairs. You will wonder why until Tuesday, when you will hit yet another pothole and think the words, “Who’s the hack now, buddy?” Also, don’t shave if you can avoid it – you look like a sexy beast. Your high-risk disease this week: Muscular Sarcocystosis.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Your song is as tired as your radio, and you still haven’t told anyone your name. Congrats on keeping a secret, but the cat’s coming out of the bag on Monday. Tuesday, put the cat back in the bag and tie it tightly.
Pisces (The Fish): Stop trying to dance – you look like Mick Jagger after a 3-week bender and hip-replacement surgery, assuming he was missing a leg below the knee. Your high-risk disease this week: Visceral Leishmaniasis.