Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future! What will next week be like? Will I get laid this weekend? How’s the weather going to be on Wednesday? (Bad, not even with an inflatable doll, and awful.) Your upcoming week will be solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): You’re going to split your pants at the meeting on Wednesday; bring a spare. Your high-risk disease this week: Norovirus. Stay off the cruise lines!
Taurus (The Bull): This weekend will be the best you’ve had in a while, and that’s not saying much, is it? Good luck with the card game Sunday night. If you draw to an inside straight, you will be rewarded.
Gemini (The Twins): Good news: Money is in your future. Bad news: Not your immediate future. Keep hoping. It won’t help, but you’re cute when you hope like that. Your high-risk disease this week: Malaria.
Cancer (The Crab): Wheat germ and rye toast will be the only things you can eat by Thursday. It’s not the best way to lose weight, but it’s darned effective, I’ll tell you what! If you go below 110 pounds, or have erections that last more than 4 hours, call a doctor.
Leo (The Lion): You know that hot air balloon ride you’ve always wanted to take? Not this week either. Your high-risk disease this week: Avian Influenza.
Virgo (The Virgin): Try wearing a condom this week. You’ll thank me later.
Libra (The Scale): You will print a document on Monday, but it won’t be on the printer so you’ll go back to your PC and print it again. The third time it happens, you’ll realize you’ve been sending it to the printer outside your boss’ office. Be ready to explain why you needed three copies of your resume. Your high-risk disease this week: Nipah Encephalitis.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): On Sunday, things won’t look so bad. The blinders come off on Tuesday – back on your head.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Your phone now calls you Rock God. What are you, twelve? Your high-risk disease this week: Equine Rhinopneumonitis. Play that on your guitar, Rock God.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You will learn to program in Objective-C this week. This will lead to your complete undoing, spelling out for you a long, unwinding doom.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): The stars have aligned and spoken to you – this is the truth: On Sunday, you will take out your garbage. On Wednesday, you will take out your garbage. Thursday morning, you will realize you should have also taken out the downstairs garbage, but it will be too late, as your friendly neighborhood sanitation engineering team will have already come and gone. Your high-risk disease this week: Persistent Leprosy.
Pisces (The Fish): That wasn’t a banana, and it won’t be a banana next week either. Why do you even read these?