Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future! Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Good news this week – you may be asked to marry. Let this fuel your self-esteem for a little while. The fact that you’d never marry that toad is unimportant. That toad thinks you’re good enough – run with it! Your high-risk disease this week: Bolivian Hemorrhagic Fever.
Taurus (The Bull): Wednesday will bring bad news. The bad news is that Tuesday wasn’t a dream. You really did accidentally cc: your boss on that email calling him a, what was the phrase you used? An overinflated, flatulent, fop-mopped, inimical ingrate hack? That really is your career you see flashing before your eyes. Hint: “Reply All” is nobody’s friend.
Gemini (The Twins): Saturday is your best chance to give your husband a great birthday present! After that, your week is on cruise control – watch your speed and you’ll be fine. Your high-risk disease this week: Lassa Fever.
Cancer (The Crab): You won’t get away with it. We have pictures.
Leo (The Lion): You’ll meet a nice girl at the Monday happy hour, but reciting your high school poems will tell her all she needs to know. You’re sleeping with the TV on again, my friend – Blake you’re not. Your high-risk disease this week: Yellow Fever.
Virgo (The Virgin): You’re in for a week and a half. Sunday, while trying to rescue your dog from the PETA freak down the street, you’ll be bitten by an alligator. Bite back – they taste just like chicken. Wednesday, in the hospital recovering from your bites, you’ll notice the nurse flirting with you. You’re delirious.
Libra (The Scale): Your great uncle will leave you his second-best spittoon in his will, which will be read on Tuesday. Be grateful – you’re on the cusp of wealth! Your high-risk disease this week: Yellow Sigatoka Disease.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You will be diagnosed with a seriously unstable condition this week, leading to brushes with fame and the stage. The big stage. If you need to worry, worry that you’re going to be so famous people will confuse other people with you. Kiss your privacy goodbye, and say hello to Rock and Roll.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Monday, you’re on the hook to bring the lubricant. On Thursday, two words: Panda boots. Your high-risk disease this week: Cholera.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This week is a good week to try to slip in those last-minute expenses for your corporate expense account – the CFO is changing his oil, and that takes three days. So go ahead – bill for that lunch! Never mind that it was a dive bar in Richmond.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Do you know what decomp smells like? You will. Your high-risk disease this week: Chronic Wasting Disease.
Pisces (The Fish): It’s your birthday, all week this week! Party like you’re turning 43, you boring old bastard.