Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Everything you print this week will have that stupid yellow line down the side, reminding you to go get a new toner cartridge.
Taurus (The Bull): I’m just not feeling it this week, and neither are you. Nor will you. You know what? The hell with it. That goes double for Tuesday. Your high-risk disease this week: Pontiac Fever.
Gemini (The Twins): You will find yourself this week back down the shore, in a large, well-apportioned house just 100 yards from the crashing surf. The weather will be great, the smell of the salt sea will be an aphrodisiac, and the sex will be amazing. Then you’ll wake up. Sorry about that.
Cancer (The Crab): You will spend all day Wednesday wondering what your life would have been like if you’d married that “cute but kinda crazy” one you dated in college. You will spend all day Thursday stalking them on Facebook. Your high-risk disease this week: Legionnaires’ Disease.
Leo (The Lion): This week will cause you shock and dismay as you try to wrap your head around the new Microsoft logo. I know it’s hard. You can get past this!
Virgo (The Virgin): The project you’re on will be de-funded next week, on grounds that the funding was obligated for the wrong government fiscal year. The fact that this is not in fact true will not avail you. Time to polish your resume – leave this project off of it, though. It was a dud. Your high-risk disease this week: Eastern Equine Encephalitis.
Libra (The Scale): You know that little black notebook app that you downloaded onto your phone and entered all that data about all those people, and what you *really* think about them? You know that cab you’re going to take on Monday? Yeah. You might want to look into moving, because you’re not going to get a job in this town again.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is a great week for finishing all the stuff you told your parents you had finished already. Your high-risk disease this week: Lethal Coconut Palm Yellowing.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This coming week promises to be accident free! You catch a buy this week; things will start to look up. Don’t tell the rest of the world – there isn’t enough happy to go around – but you’ll find some. And you don’t have to share it with anyone!
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This will be a week of lunches. Monday, lunch with your partner in crime. Tuesday, lunch with your lawyer. Thursday, lunch with your parole officer. Your high-risk disease this week: Capnocytophaga.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Everything you touch will look odd once you’re done with it this week. Words will look mis-spelled, water will taste funny. Don’t worry about it, it’s all part of getting older. Except for the mis-matched clothes, that is – that really does look goofy.
Pisces (The Fish): This is your week to suffer. Luckily for you, you will suffer with a musical instrument and a bottle of beer. Hope for a decent sandwich. Your high-risk disease this week: Piscine Reovirus.