Happy Friday! It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): You’ll start taking 20,000 i.u.’s of vitamin D this week, but it won’t help. Mind you, the problem is your upside-down mortgage – the vitamins won’t help any more than those other pills did. Your high-risk disease this week: Cryptococcosis.
Taurus (The Bull): You will spend far too many hours this week sorting all the Smarties in the leftover Halloween candy into their respective color groups. You say statistical comparative spectral analysis, I say OCD.
Gemini (The Twins): It should be a nice week outdoors, which you won’t see, since you’ll be tied up inside most of the week. Don’t worry, you’ll come outside eventually. Your high-risk disease this week: Kuru Kuru.
Cancer (The Crab): Remember that time you got really drunk on that Pacific Island vacation and decided that you, too, could walk across that bed of hot coals? This week probably isn’t a good week to recreate that lost glory. Make sure someone has 911 on speed-dial.
Leo (The Lion): This week you will run across your old rhyming dictionary from school and spend the next 3 hours talking in iambic septameter couplets. Your high-risk disease this week: Gerstmann-Sträussler-Scheinker Syndrome. (His syndrome is my syndrome, too!)
Virgo (The Virgin): This is a good week for getting done all those things you meant to get done last week. You won’t, but it would be a good week for it.
Libra (The Scale): You will plumb the depths of your soul this week, cleaning out the psychic lint that’s been accumulating for years. Remember to sweep behind your id. Your high-risk disease this week: Herpes.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You will unexpectedly find that you have a few minutes to yourself this week, yet you will inexplicably waste them watching crime TV while drawing on yourself with Sharpie markers. By Thursday, you’ll wish you’d gone to bed instead.
Sagittarius (The Archer): You will lose yourself in a good movie this week, and then find yourself in a good restaurant the next day. The downside is not remembering how you got from one to the other. Don’t sweat it. Your high-risk disease this week: Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): It’s all rainbows this week, but you’re still not going to find the pot of gold at the end of it – and you’re likely to hurt yourself if you keep driving like that in the rain. Look, play the lottery – it’s easier, and you’ve got a better chance of winning than of finding the end of the rainbow. Don’t be dumb.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You know, I don’t like Aquarius as a rule, but you’re getting a buy this week. Enjoy it if you can. Your high-risk disease this week: Giardiasis.
Pisces (The Fish): It’s another week of heartbreak and drudgery. You need to find a new drug – one that won’t make you sick, make you talk to much, or make your head feel three feet thick. Good luck with that.