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March 24th, 2010

New Lows in Demonology

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. Please leave any comments there.

Not long ago, it was discovered that even Big Ugly Man Dolls have birthdays. Now, I’m at what I call the “Cards and Laughter” age, which is when someone cards you buying booze and you burst into laughter. I’m not complaining, but I’ve noticed I don’t get carded when I have the kids with me. I don’t know if that’s pragmatism or sympathy.

Anyway, having recently had a birthday, I thought I’d relate a quick tale of Number One Daughter, the Human Tape Recorder. This starts with MOBUMD (yes, I have a mother) bringing “The Birthday Candle” to the party. She brings one for every party; she used to just buy these in bulk and now owns stock in the company. These candles have rotating pyrotechnics, so you place it on the cake, light it, and a dozen or so small candles flop out – lit – and spin around while a mini-roman candle style firework burns in the center. All the while, a midi loud enough and high enough to makes dogs howl plays “Happy Birthday to You” relentlessly.

Once the pyrotechnics are done and you’ve blown out the smaller, more conventional weapons, you can remove this from the cake. It’s still playing Happy Birthday. You can then put it in the trash.

It’s still playing Happy Birthday.

You could hit it with a hammer. It’s still playing Happy Birthday. We tried keeping it quiet while we enjoyed our cake by putting it in the bottom of a pan filled with water. It’s still playing Happy Birthday. These things are built to survive global thermonuclear warfare.

So, we took it out of the water and put it in the trash, and took the trash outside. This is when Number One Daughter mentions what a great idea that is. “We can explain to everyone that this is how we ward away devils and zombies.”

To paraphrase the immortal Calvin’s dad, I don’t know which is the more appalling, her grasp of recycling or her grasp of demonology and necromancy. I guesss to be clear, it’s the idea that she HAS a grasp of devil-warding, demonology, and necromancy that appalls. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised; this is the one born on Halloween. It comes as naturally as shopping comes to the Reigning Queen of Pink. I wonder if that’s why I don’t get carded when she’s with me…



Yep, looks like another post from the Big, Ugly Man Doll!