Have you ever wondered about what’s involved just getting ingredients to your kitchen? I mean, never mind the gags about “who was the first person to eat that.” Just think about the first person to think about putting all these things together – this was someone who contributed to the gene pool. We can be sure of this, because their kids are now programming video games.
Level 1: Find a cow, which has twice as many legs as you do and outweighs you 4 to 1 or better. Grab it by the teats and squeeze her milk into a bucket. Bonus round: Find a stick and churn the bucket like a mad beaver until the milk solidifies. We’re going to eat that.
Level 2: Go to the beach and dig a shallow trench. Wait for the tide to go out, then wait for the water in your trench to evaporate. There will be rocks on the bottom of your trench; bring them with you. We’re going to eat that.
Level 3: Go out to the field, find a small round flower that’s vaguely rose-like, but stinky. Pull it up by the roots – we want the root ball. Right, not the pretty part you can see, just the part in the dirt. We’re going to eat that.
If you’ve completed those first 3 levels, you’re ready for level 4: Find a green, damp place, and look for shiny trails on the ground or the leaves of plants. Find a seashell moving under its own power, leaving a trail of slime behind it. Grab a bunch of these – we’re going to eat that.
Level 5: OK, now you have to get your avatar back to the kitchen, no doubt navigating a host of dangerous French predators who want your butter, salt, garlic, and escargots. And who can blame them?
Now for the win – once you’re in the kitchen, we’re going to cook the snails in the salt and garlic butter. That’s right, shell-laden slimeballs with rocks, roots, and emulsified cow milk. Oh yes, we’re going to eat that!
(By the way, there’s supposed to be an Easter egg hidden in this game – try throwing all the ingredients in the blender and turning it up to 11. I don’t know what happens…)
Julia Child should have played more video games.