July 11th, 2010


Cooking With the BUMD, Day 3: Shelling Out for Dinner

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. Please leave any comments there.

Have you ever wondered about what’s involved just getting ingredients to your kitchen?  I mean, never mind the gags about “who was the first person to eat that.”  Just think about the first person to think about putting all these things together – this was someone who contributed to the gene pool.  We can be sure of this, because their kids are now programming video games. 

Level 1:  Find a cow, which has twice as many legs as you do and outweighs you 4 to 1 or better.  Grab it by the teats and squeeze her milk into a bucket.  Bonus round:  Find a stick and churn the bucket like a mad beaver until the milk solidifies.  We’re going to eat that.

Level 2:  Go to the beach and dig a shallow trench.  Wait for the tide to go out, then wait for the water in your trench to evaporate.  There will be rocks on the bottom of your trench; bring them with you.  We’re going to eat that.

Level 3:  Go out to the field, find a small round flower that’s vaguely rose-like, but stinky.  Pull it up by the roots – we want the root ball.  Right, not the pretty part you can see, just the part in the dirt.  We’re going to eat that.

If you’ve completed those first 3 levels, you’re ready for level 4:  Find a green, damp place, and look for shiny trails on the ground or the leaves of plants.  Find a seashell moving under its own power, leaving a trail of slime behind it.  Grab a bunch of these – we’re going to eat that.

Level 5:  OK, now you have to get your avatar back to the kitchen, no doubt navigating a host of dangerous French predators who want your butter, salt, garlic, and escargots.  And who can blame them? 

Now for the win – once you’re in the kitchen, we’re going to cook the snails in the salt and garlic butter.  That’s right, shell-laden slimeballs with rocks, roots, and emulsified cow milk.  Oh yes, we’re going to eat that!

(By the way, there’s supposed to be an Easter egg hidden in this game – try throwing all the ingredients in the blender and turning it up to 11.  I don’t know what happens…) 

Julia Child should have played more video games.