Log in

No account? Create an account

July 11th, 2010

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. Please leave any comments there.

Have you ever wondered about what’s involved just getting ingredients to your kitchen?  I mean, never mind the gags about “who was the first person to eat that.”  Just think about the first person to think about putting all these things together – this was someone who contributed to the gene pool.  We can be sure of this, because their kids are now programming video games. 

Level 1:  Find a cow, which has twice as many legs as you do and outweighs you 4 to 1 or better.  Grab it by the teats and squeeze her milk into a bucket.  Bonus round:  Find a stick and churn the bucket like a mad beaver until the milk solidifies.  We’re going to eat that.

Level 2:  Go to the beach and dig a shallow trench.  Wait for the tide to go out, then wait for the water in your trench to evaporate.  There will be rocks on the bottom of your trench; bring them with you.  We’re going to eat that.

Level 3:  Go out to the field, find a small round flower that’s vaguely rose-like, but stinky.  Pull it up by the roots – we want the root ball.  Right, not the pretty part you can see, just the part in the dirt.  We’re going to eat that.

If you’ve completed those first 3 levels, you’re ready for level 4:  Find a green, damp place, and look for shiny trails on the ground or the leaves of plants.  Find a seashell moving under its own power, leaving a trail of slime behind it.  Grab a bunch of these – we’re going to eat that.

Level 5:  OK, now you have to get your avatar back to the kitchen, no doubt navigating a host of dangerous French predators who want your butter, salt, garlic, and escargots.  And who can blame them? 

Now for the win – once you’re in the kitchen, we’re going to cook the snails in the salt and garlic butter.  That’s right, shell-laden slimeballs with rocks, roots, and emulsified cow milk.  Oh yes, we’re going to eat that!

(By the way, there’s supposed to be an Easter egg hidden in this game – try throwing all the ingredients in the blender and turning it up to 11.  I don’t know what happens…) 

Julia Child should have played more video games.

Yep, looks like another post from the Big, Ugly Man Doll!