August 31st, 2010

Pumpkinhead

On The Topic Of Dating My Daughters

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. Please leave any comments there.

I want to preface this with a note that I was hoping not to have any part of this conversation with any of my kids for a long, long time.  Posthumously would have been fine.  But then, if I’d really not wanted to engage in this kind of conversation, I shouldn’t have let them watch Joan Rivers.

 

Reigning Queen of Pink:  “Mommy, what’s ‘gay’?”

Spouse of the Big Ugly Man Doll:  “That means that a man prefers dating other men instead of women; or, for women, that they prefer dating women.”

RQoP:  “I’m a lesbian.”

SOBUMD:  [Spits her wine]  “What?”

RQoP:  “I think boys are icky, so I’m a lesbian.”

SOBUMD:  “You’re 8 years old.  You’re *supposed* to think boys are icky at your age – and you’re right, 8-year-old boys *are* icky.  When you get older, old enough to date, then you can decide if you’re a lesbian.  Everyone is different.”

Big Ugly Man Doll:  “RQoP, you see, everyone is a little of everything – it’s just a matter of degree.  For example, I’m 93 percent attracted to women, 5 percent attracted to men, 2 percent attracted to goats and sheep, and 100 percent attracted to Mommy.”

Human Tape Recorder:  “So, you’re a Mommysexual?”

BUMD:  “Shut up, kid, and stop eavesdropping next to our door.” 

HTR:  “Duh, stop making so much noise!”

RQoP:  “So when can I be a lesbian?”

BUMD:  “Not until you’re 30.   Daddy’s very gender-neutral about this, you’re not dating anyone until you’re 30, male or female, two legs or four.  My little girls aren’t dating ANYTHING until they’re 30.”

SOBUMD:  “He means 13.”

BUMD:  “Thirty.”

SOBUMD:  “Thirteen.”

BUMD:  “Twenty-nine, and that’s my final offer.”

 

Yeah, posthumously would have been the better bet.