I started this Pneumonia list yesterday and realized I’m taking so many meds that I needed to just leave off and talk about that. Today, though, is different. Today I want to leave the world a better place, in case I don’t see tomorrow. I want to leave a trail of more than breadcrumbs, should you, dear reader, ever have to follow in these unfortunate footsteps – I want to leave a trail of light bulbs, of knowledge, of something that will light your path in the darkness. Or something like that. Anyway, I leave you two lists.
Things you should do when you have pneumonia:
- Take your medicine. All of it. I think I’ve covered that well enough already.
- Use your Neti-Pot. I don’t care if you don’t like it, ya big baby. Yes, I know it’s like an enema for your nose. Just stick it in there and squeeze. Some people snort tear gas and pepper spray for this, all you have to use is salt water. Quit complaining.
- Go back to bed. You can’t walk with all those meds in you anyway.
- Get up again, since you can’t sleep with all those meds in you either. Leviquin is like an old girlfriend – knocks me down on the bed and has its way with me for about 20 minutes, then keeps me awake for several hours. Why am I taking an antibiotic that wants to talk about its feelings?
- Stay home and organize your stuff. Wait, what? Do you really think you’re going to remember where the hell you put that when these meds wear off? You’re out of your mind. This is a bad idea.
- Read. Catch up on your backlog of books and New Yorkers. Maybe then you can declutter around here when you’re well.
- Write a letter to your grandmother. She won’t mind that the letter doesn’t make any sense because you’re trying to write while you’re too high to die, you don’t make all that much sense anyway, and she likes hearing from you.
- Stay in touch with the office. But only enough that they remember you’re not there. The email you don’t read is the only one you need to worry about.
- Shut up. No, yeah, stop talking. First, you sound like crap. Second, all you’re doing is moaning or whining, no one wants to hear it.
- Finish your holiday letter. Hey, you’re funny when you’re sick!
- Make a list of all the things you should and shouldn’t do when you have pneumonia. Gosh, you’re a hoot, aren’t you? Another shot of Tussionex? Why yes, don’t mind if I do!
Things you should NOT do when you have pneumonia:
- Two words: River Dance!
- Creative writing. Let loose your personal demons and write that poem you’ve been thinking about. Really. See what your friends Leviquin, Tussionex, and Benzonatate have to say, because it’s not like you’re driving the bus right now anyway.
- Catch up on reading Hyperbole and a Half. Particularly this one. No one with respiratory problems should be allowed to look at her website. It should come with warning labels. I’ve never needed an inhaler so badly in my life.
- Go into the office. These people already have a bad case of Do Not Want, and they sure as hell DNW your diseased, germ-ridden, bacteria-shedding body contaminating the keyboard next to them. Besides, no one likes to share a cubicle with a guy who talks about antibiotics and the state of his colon.
- Practice your acceptance speech. “I’d like to thank the Academy…”
- Marathon training. Not the best time to start that new exercise program.
- Try out pick up lines on your significant other. Wheezing is sexy!
- Go pick up the kids. Sure. The school won’t mind if you break quarantine.
- Yard work. Because you know you’re so all about raking in the first place, right? Let’s be real, you wouldn’t be outside if you were healthy, either.
- More Beer.
I sincerely hope you never have occasion to need either list, but if you do, now you know.