May 15th, 2011

Pumpkinhead

Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 6

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. Please leave any comments there.

We’re into single digits – there are now only 6 full days left ’til the end of the world.  In case you still doubt, yesterday we watched the opening of the Morganza Floodgates in Louisiana.  Hundreds of people there are now left with the impression that, while Rome might not have been destroyed in a day, the town of Gibson, LA might be – and that the prediction of May 21st being the end of the world was in fact off by about a week. 

I’m continuing to highlight a different thing each day that I’m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I’m counting on YOU to comment if you haven’t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well – I’m keeping the list, and I’ll tally them up and see what we’re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.

Look God, You told that Noah dude You were done with the whole “destroying the earth and all the creatures with water” thing back in the day.   I gotta tell Ya, there’s about a gazillion folks all over this planet, from Phuket to Jakarta to the northern coast of Japan to the South Central US and Morganza, Louisiana, who are really thinking You might just have reneged on the rainbow, if You know what I’m sayin’.   Water may be the stuff of life, but a guy my size can drown in less than 2 cups of it – never mind 150,000 cubic feet per second.  (I love the Cajun way of putting things, though – faced with 150,000 cubic feet of water per second, the salient quote was, “That can’t be good.”) 

Also, tornados?  What’s up with that?  Hey, this looks like fun, let’s see how fast I can get this whirligig thingy going?  Did You really program them to be attracted to trailer parks, or are You bowling?   I mean, volcanoes I understand, and it’s not like they go off without warning – hey, look, a big bloody mountain, wonder what’s under it, yeah, we get that.  But earthquakes?  Tsunamis?  Justin Bieber?  Really, that’s just dirty pool.  Oh, and the whole “lightning hitting the steeple” gag – You’re showing Your hand there, You know that, right?

So God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss Your natural disasters – call the Rapture on May 21.  And stop trying to pick up the seven-ten split with a brace of mobile homes.