May 20th, 2011


Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition – Day 1

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. Please leave any comments there.

OK, this is it.  There’s nothing penultimate about this one.  Today is the last full day before the end of the world as we know it.  How do you feel?  Tell me, how do you feel?

Right, I thought so.  I’ve been counting down all the things that I am Not Gonna Miss come the rapture tomorrow, and I have to confess I’m feeling pretty good about it all.  I’m not gonna miss the hair on The Donald, and I’m certainly not gonna miss Charlie Sheen and our loonyfauxtainment system – nor the prices we have to pay the damn cable companies to be loonyfauxtained. 

There are so many things that will end too soon, it’s true, and so many hopes and dreams will die unrealized when the world ends tomorrow afternoon.  Bummer. 

But of all the things I’m Not Gonna Miss, speaking of hopes and dreams that die unrealized, there’s one thing that was always going to stand out at the top of this list.

Number 10:  Donald Trump’s Hair.
Number 9:  People who can’t drive in bad weather.
Number 8:  Annoying Facebook status update memes.
Number 7:  Cheap Beer.
Number 6:  Natural Disasters.
Number 5:  Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.
Number 4:  Organized religions.
Number 3:  Dieting.
Number 2:  Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity.
Number 1:  Watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year.

You know, a friend of mine mentioned the other day that I seemed like an optimist.  “You amaze me,” she said, “you always seem to have faith that things will work out.”  I responded with the simple truth: Of course I have faith. I’m programmed to have faith. I’m a goddamn Cubs fan.  It’s what we do.

A lot can happen between May and October.  Just because we nearly lead the league in runs allowed doesn’t mean we can’t pull it out.  Right?  Just because we haven’t won a World Series in a century doesn’t mean we won’t win it this year.  This is next year!  Who’s with me?  Just because we haven’t even BEEN to a world series in 66 years doesn’t mean we won’t win it this year! 

Yeah, it does.  We won’t win it this year either.  We know.  But we’re still going to cheer.  We’re still going to have faith that things will work out.  We’re Cubs fans, after all.  It’s what we do.

So please God, because I’m Not Gonna Miss watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year, call the Rapture tomorrow.  Because Harry Caray is waiting for us all in Heaven:  “Cubs win! Holy Cow!”


ManFAQ Friday: Did you actually SEE this elephant?

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. Please leave any comments there.

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   What is it with the farting?  Pull your finger???   

Answer:   Ohhhhh, why yes thank you.  Much better. 

Sometimes it’s the elephant under the chair.  The barking tree spiders.  The duck I stepped on.  Sometimes we just need to share what we had for lunch.  Or that six-pack we just had.  But yeah, we think it’s funny to toot the trouser tuba - mostly because we’re, ya know, about 8 years old.  Also remember, Men are from Mars, and you should smell the air there.   Cosby nailed this one: he used to say that Fathers were the only ones in the house allowed to have gas.  “Oh lord, what happened in here?”  We’re still riding that elephant 40 years later, and the kids still haven’t found him under my chair. 

In my house, it’s also used as incentive for the kids to keep their rooms clean or otherwise behave at bedtime.  “Do I need to leave you something to remember me by?”  “Nooooooooooo Daddy, no!  I’ll turn the light out!  Don’t blow the butt trumpet!”   Very useful, those air biscuits!

Now you know.  Please, feel free to comment!  Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at –!