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October 5th, 2011

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Look, parenting has its challenges.  We know that.  We embrace it.  But still – some days, the life of a parent takes turns that are uneffingimaginable.

Some nights are even more bizzare.  Take tonight – please!

No, OK, but still.  I got them to bed.  SOBUMD and I were in bed.  She paused to use the restroom, I paused at my PC to turn this damn thing off – and a light came on, flickering, like a bad horror movie with no soundtrack, the only sound a soft footfall like you hear just before the words you know are coming, the scream, the – no, not a scream.  Just a quiet voice from behind the flashlight:  “Daddy, I’m still hungry.  Can I have a bologna sandwich?”

The following exchange is a verbatim transcript of my life.

Number One Son:   Can I have a bologna sandwich?  I ate all my dinner.
BUMD:  No you didn’t, you – oh, wait, that was yesterday.  Damn, you did eat all your dinner.  Stop pointing that light at me.  OK, let’s look downstairs.
Number One Son:   I did eat all my dinner.
BUMD:  Yes, an entire chicken drumstick.  But still, OK.  So, we have bread that I have to slice, which I’m really not up for, or we have the sourdough that you didn’t like, or I can get – oh, hey, we have cookies!  You can have a bologna wrap, or you can have a fresh-made chocolate chip cookie.  Your choice.
Number One Son:   Cookie.
BUMD:   Deal.

I walked around to turn off the Human Tape Recorder’s light, and by the time I was done with that he’d walked into his room, munching on a cookie.  I followed him in as he started climbing into his bed.

BUMD:   You are NOT getting in that bed eating a cookie.  In the chair, at the desk, now.
Number One Son:   Mmh.  OK.
BUMD:   While you’re there at the desk, you can finish the cookie and your reading log!  Here they are in front of you, and here’s a pen.  I know it’s not due until Friday, but you haven’t filled it out all week.  What did you read Monday?
Number One Son:    Fmmtm Tllboof [pointing to Norton Juster’s Phantom Tollbooth]
BUMD:   Ah, great book.  So, write it down there!
Number One Son:    OK.
BUMD:   OK, you need a “thoughtful thought” about the book.  Tell me something about the main character.
Number One Son:   Milo is a weird kid who doesn’t understand anything at first.
BUMD:   OK, I’ll take that.  Write that down.  Have you finished this book?
Number One Son:   [silence]
BUMD:   Hmm.  [flips through pages remembered only dimly, if fondly]  Do you remember how Rhyme and Reason returned?
Number One Son:   Yes.
BUMD:   Tell me.
Number One Son:   They rode on the back of a demon named Ri Ghastly, who told them they were no strangers to love.
BUMD:   What?  [flips through book faster]  I don’t remember that.  Tell me more?
Number One Son:   He said we’re no strangers to love.  You know the rules [singing] – And – So – Do – I …
BUMD:   What?  BOY?  Did you just Rickroll me?   Did you just sit there and Rickroll your own father?
Number One Son:   [giggling] It’s not a Rickroll if it’s not a video!
BUMD:   Get in your bed.  Get in your bed right now!!!
Number One Son:   [still giggling]
BUMD:  I cannot believe you would Rickroll your own father.
Number One Son:   [still giggling] I was just singing!
BUMD:  In the bed with you!

I don’t know what’s scarier – that he Rickrolled me, that he KNEW HOW to Rickroll me, or that he pulled it off so well.  I’m still laughing at Ri Ghastly, but still – “Huh?”  Damn, he got me again.



Yep, looks like another post from the Big, Ugly Man Doll!