November 18th, 2011


ManFAQ Friday: Send in the Clowns!

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   Why do boys try to be funny when they’re not?

Answer:    What do you mean, they’re not funny?  Of course they’re funny!  They’re standing there telling you jokes and clowning around and jumping like – yeah, he’s pretty pathetic, isn’t he?  The short answer is that he’s desperate.  There are a couple of reasons here.

KNOCK KNOCK!  If he’s telling you reasonably clean jokes, doing pratfalls, and using obvious physical humor, he’s desperate for attention – even if only for someone to tell him to knock it the hell off.  If you keep not laughing, he’ll eventually knock himself senseless, get tired of it, or kill him self trying.  (“Hey ya’ll, watch this!”)

THERE’S THIS CAT…  If he’s telling you jokes about physics (“Sorry, we don’t serve faster than light particles here.”), he’s desperate to relate to you.  He wants to see if you’re on the same planet he is.  If you keep not laughing, he’ll move on eventually.  (“A neutrino walks into a bar!”)

MORE BEAVER!  If he’s told you three ball jokes, two dick jokes, the one about the maggots making love in dead earnest, and he’s trying hard to make a pun about beavers, he’s desperate for some Hey Hey.  If you keep not laughing, he’ll move on eventually.  (“Do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?”)

I READ THAT ONE - If he’s making literary jokes, anything with the words Hemmingway, Faulkner, or Baudelaire in the punchline,  he’s really desperate for some Hey Hey.  Don’t listen to a thing he says.  Really.  I don’t care what French restaurant he invites you to, don’t go.  Baudelaire is never funny.  (“Fleurs du Mal? That’s what SHE said!”)


Now you know. Please, feel free to comment! Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at –!



A Thankful Countdown: Day 6

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

I’ve decided to count down to Thinksgiving, and take a moment each day to think about things I’m thankful for. 

Number Six:  Fridays. 

Seriously, who hasn’t had more than one moment of TGIF – it’s been a really, really messed up week, and you’re just ready to relax for the weekend.  You could taste it waking up this morning, couldn’t you?  You were just as ready as the next guy for a decent beverage, and the next guy is Mel Gibson, isn’t it? 

Friday night is why god invented painkillers.  Sure, Saturday morning dawns with the consequence it has, but by Friday you’re ready to live this day like the next will never come.  Friday leads straight, sure as the day follows the night, to that which we’re all working for – the weekend.  Friday is a zipline to 48 hours of honey-do lists and soccer games, catching up on laundry, shopping, and remembering what your spouse looks like during the day.  But just as a bad day fishing beats a good day working, whatever your weekend plans are, they’re more exciting than going to your office on Monday or Tuesday morning, aren’t they?  (If you answered no with a straight face, you really need to get out more.)

Happy Friday to all, and to all, a good weekend!  How could I leave you, but with this: