December 3rd, 2011


Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 23

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

SOBUMD and the HTR just left for church.  Before those of you who know us well hurt your jaws as they bounce on your respective desks, it’s a Unitarian service.  Now, in the old days when SOBUMD would take some or all of the kids to the local Catholic mass, as they walked out I’d yell, “Say Hi to God for me!”  Today, as they were leaving, I thought about it a moment and yelled, “Ask a question for me!” 

“What’s the question?” came the reply.  “Doesn’t much matter, does it?” I said.

Ah, Unitarian jokes, gotta love ‘em.  But this isn’t about that.  This is an advent countdown of Christmas and other miscellaneous holiday songs that really make me throw up in my mouth a little, that nasty scratchy taste in your throat when you hear them – you know the kind I mean.  Those.

Today’s exercise in aural holiday torture comes to us compliments of the pop mop-top we love to hate, Justin Bieber.  Someone seems to have told this barely pubescent punk-wannabe to record a Christmas tune.  I can just imagine the conversation:  “Justin, dude, my man, we need some more cash.  What say you do a Christmas carol?  That’s money, baby!”

JB:  “OK.  But what should I write it about?”

Record Company:  “I dunno dude, what about getting laid?  That’s always a hit!”

It’s the most beautiful time of the year
Lights fill the streets spreading so much cheer
I should be playing in the winter snow
But I’mma be under the mistletoe

The first verse is also the last one with a complete internal rhyme, since, ya know, that’s hard, and no one cares ’cause they’re just looking at the video anyway, which features Santa’s leather jacket.  You can tell it’s Santa’s since (A) it doen’t fit Justin, and (B) snow does not actually accumulate nor even fall on the jacket, regardless of the fact that it’s “snowing” in the video. 

Go ahead.  Take your insulin shot and then click to see for yourself!  A tribute to Holiday Hey Hey by a boy under the age of consent in most states.