December 9th, 2011


Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 17

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Hard to believe we’re already on 17.  We’ve been through Justin Bieber and Santa’s Beard – but I repeat myself.  We’ve been through dead cats, Pearl Harbor, and priapic pine cones covered with marshmallow fluff.  Are you getting hungry yet?  I’m starved – in fact, I haven’t been this hungry since 1984. 

But this isn’t about that.  This is an advent countdown of Christmas and other miscellaneous holiday songs that make me barf a bit, the ones you know you’re supposed to love, but really you’d rather run hot wax in your ears than sit through them on the radio again – you know the kind I mean.  Today’s exercise in holiday tune torture came to us from – oh, wait, this is about that.  You know what we can do with all of Dean-o’s marshmallow fluff?  Of course you do.  We can feed the world.

Do they know it’s Christmas?  Do they?  I’m reliably informed, by which I mean my friend Beth told me and I’ve never known her to be wrong about anything, that 47% of the population of Africa is Muslim.  They may know it’s Christmas, but I’m not sure they care much.  There won’t be snow in Africa?  Depends where you look, but mostly – no, no there won’t.   There were 44 artists on the original cut of Bob Geldof’s immortal song, and by the time Do They Know It’s Christmas was recorded, most of them would have believed you if you’d told them it was Valentine’s Day.  But hey, it was the ’80s.  That’s OK.  And hey, their hearts were in the right place, and they raised a LOT of money for a good cause.  Maybe it’s time to write a new song, though?  We could get 44 artists together to sing something that wouldn’t make people cringe 20+ years later…

Bob Geldof does not have a solo line in the song.  There’s a reason for that.  He also wrote it, and it shows.  ”Hey, let’s put some really depressing words of guilt up against a solid, upbeat tune.  What about something like ‘the Christmas bells that ring there /are the clanging chimes of doom / well, tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you.’  How about that?” 

“Yep, that right there is the Christmas spirit, Bob.  Thanks for playing.”

Oh, go on.  You haven’t watched the damn thing since Martha Quinn’s first Christmas, and if you watch closely you can see Boy George giving his brother George Michael the finger.   


ManFAQ Friday: ChorePlay, Anybody?

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   I know you’ve covered this before, but what is it about household chores?  Is there some kind of genetic thing that makes strong, athletic men fall asleep when the dishes are dirty?

Answer:    Do you know, I’m glad you asked.  In my capacity as the final arbiter of good taste, decency, and gender equality in this country, we’re screwed I was asked to comment on an article from Time magazine a few months ago about why “Men and Women Should End” what Time magazine would like us to call the “Chore Wars.

Now, you’re welcome to refer to anything you like as a ‘war,’ but with our men and women in uniform getting shot at overseas, as the final arbiter of good taste, decency, and gender equality in this country, it is my professional opinion that Time magazine can go stuff itself with this headline.

That being said, Time is here telling us that “new research on working fathers indicates that they’re the ones experiencing the most pressure,”  and this time they have science on their side.  One researcher mentions, “We think men don’t do anything, but is that right? Are we systematically missing what they do do?” 

Yes.  Let’s face it, men have been systematically getting women to put up with their do-do for a long time.  It’s dollars to doughnuts that the study that says men do as much work around the house, or its equal in the office, was in fact run by men.   If you want him to clean it, hit him in the head with something.  Of course he’s tired.  We’re all tired.  You’re tired, aren’t you?  Nobody really wants to do the dishes and clean the floor, except for the Reigning Queen of Pink, and she has OCD.  (And no, we don’t rent her out – who would clean our floors?)

So, is it genetic?  No.  It’s science.  We’re really working very, very hard.  Please, try not to wake him – he’s probably just got his eyes closed because he’s thinking about the office, and needs to concentrate. 

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment! Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at –!