The 13th song. On the 13th of December. Which ought to be a Friday, but it isn’t.
Do you remember what I gave you for Christmas last year? You don’t, do you? I don’t either. Oh wait, sure I do. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. And what did you do? You gave it away on the 26th. Just like that. The very next day. Just, wham! Gone.
This year, you know what? I’m not going to give you my heart. I’m going to give you my frickin’ spleen, baby - let’s see how long you keep that! Then again, maybe I won’t - you know I’m once bitten, twice shy, babe. (But if you kissed me now I know you’d fool me again, because I’m not just straight, I’m stupid.)
Yep, if Holiday Songs That Suck were weekdays, this one would be Friday the 13th. I’d rather rip out my heart and give it to someone special than listen to this 1980s dreck again. Just because some whiny schlockfest tearjerkoff mentions that the events in his hairspray-fueled horror story of love gone wrong happen to occur over the holidays does NOT make it a Christmas song! Adeste Fidalis is a Christmas song. This is an insipid ode to some Vincent van Gogh knockoff who’s trying to give away his organs and wondering why he can’t get laid. Let’s examine:
She has a soul of ice and a lover with a fire in his heart. Sounds to me like she could use some of her soul to help him out with that heartburn. Probably ease up on the chili there, bud. Also, she’s not good with money – she gave away his heart? Do you have any idea what a decent heart is worth on the open market?
For his part, he’s been torn apart, but now has found a real love – you know, today. He no longer has a heart (since he used it as a gift last year), so this Christmas he’s evidently going to give away another organ, to some new chick that he met skiing in Switzerland, who will give him something in return. Last year’s girlfriend of the hour will never fool him again, but she may or may not hold his heart and watch it burn.
Oh, sweet Santa Claus, all I want is a promise that someday, children everywhere will be safe from Wham. Full disclosure: I was unable to make it through even half the video, it’s just too painful. It sucked the first time – I had to live through much of the 1980s, I don’t want to go back! Ahhhh, the hair! The Hair! Ruuuuuuun!