December 16th, 2011


Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 10

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

And we’re into the top ten, or the bottom ten, depending on how you look at it. 

Look, I’m just going to give it a rest over here, and we’re all going to take note of the “in-you-end-oh” connotations of the word nuttin’ and just not worry about  some 10-yr-old who’s getting a nutting for Christmas.  That’s just wrong.  And we’re not going to make jokes about him staying with his Uncle Sandusky for the holidays, either.  Nope.  We’re taking the high road today.

OK, yeah, if we’re taking the high road it’s only because my GPS broke and I’ll be damned if I’ll ask for directions back to the gutter.  We’ll find it soon enough.

So every time I hear this one, somewhere in the back of my mind is Eddie Murphy, reading his poetry from prison.

I broke my bat on Johnny’s head.
Kill that bastard.  Kill that bastard.
I hid a frog in sister’s bed;
Kill that bastard.  Kill that bastard.
I spilled some blood on Mommy’s rug;
I made Tommy eat a lead slug;
Stole some gum with nary a shrug;
Somebody snitched on me.
I put a tack on teacher’s chair.
Don’t need no reason, life ain’t fair. 
Somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie’s hair.
Somebody snitched on me
And if’n I find out it was Susie, I’ma shank that bitch when I get out.
Esh-Ay-En-Kay That Bitch.

Really?  Do we really need to detail the assaults, mayhem, animal abuse, and petty crimes required to get onto Santa’s bad side?  This isn’t a holiday song, it’s a recitation before the jury delivers a verdict!  Throw the book at it! 

Yeah, this is the bottom ten alright.  And as long we’re choosing bottoms and tops, I’d say we found the gutter again too, whaddaya say baby?  You watch this video and I’ll slip into something less constricting, see you 5 minutes.  You can keep the socks on.


ManFAQ Friday: Popping the Question

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. 

Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man.  What could go wrong?

Question:   Why can’t he ever just come out and ask for what he wants when he’s horny?  I’m no better at hints than he is.

Answer:    Before I answer this, let me tell you a story.  So there I was, up at pee O’clock in the morning, only to find SOBUMD awake at my desk.  We talked for a while, then I checked on the three lunatic children, removing books from sleeping fingers and turning off lights.  I returned to find that SOBUMD had climbed back into bed.  I did likewise, we chatted for a minute, and as I intricated myself into sheets and covers, I remarked that my “underwear was not entirely comfortable.”

“That is, I believe, the stupidest, most obsure way you’ve ever asked for sex in the 20 years I’ve known you,” she said as she shrugged out of her PJs.  Now, I was really just complaining about my shorts, but Hey Hey – that’ll solve the problem too! 

So look, sometimes you’re assuming that we think about Hey Hey all the time.  And you’re right, we are.  But we figure you’d get tired of hearing the same question asked the same way after a few hundred times, and we’re looking for ways to spice it up, make it sound like it was your idea in the first place, distract you so you don’t notice we’ve got half our clothes off already, anything.  Besides, there’s oblique, and then there’s GUY oblique.  It’s the difference between, “Say, you look really nice tonight.  Are you busy later?” and “Nice dress, but it looks a little tight – may I help you out of it?”  We don’t really do hints well; if you think he’s hinting about Hey Hey, you’re right.  If you think he’s wondering about mowing the lawn, he’s really hinting about Hey Hey.  He’s just trying to be a little more genteel, since he’s been conditioned to believe that just asking “Hey, you wanna go bang me?” will get him slapped or arrested more often than it will get him laid.

Remember, he’s ALWAYS interested.  He’s bringing up the topic because he hopes you are. 

Nice dress, by the way. 

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment! Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at –!