December 18th, 2011


Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 8

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

A few days ago, we covered the 12 Days of Greed Christmas, which sucks, but is at least a thoughtful recitation of gifts received rather than expected

Santa Baby – you materialistic bitch.  And you thought the 12 Days of Christmas was expensive?  Let’s see, she wants a sable, a 54 convertible, a yacht, a platinum mine, a duplex, checks of unknown denominations, Christmas decorations from Tiffany’s, and a ring.

There’s been a 12 Days of Christmas Index for a while, tracking the cost of the 12 days of gifts.  For the sake of comparison, I present to you now a Santa Baby Index:

  • Sable:  Russian sable is the most prized and expensive fur in the world for its silky quality, rarity, and light weight.  Retail, a little sable jacket starts at about $16,000, and a top quality, silvery coat can run upwards of $150,000.  You don’t think she wants the small one, do you?  Me either.
  • 54 Convertible:  From eBay, 1954 Chevrolet Corvette Roadster, low miles, restored, light blue as specified in song, $89,900.00.  And yes, you can by one for me, too.  As long as we’re talking about it.
  • Yacht:  We’re not buying her Larry Elison’s megacruiser, here; she’s getting a nicely appointed 80-foot yacht, and it’s going to run about $3,500,000 just to get it in the water.  Maintenance is her problem. 
  • Platinum Mine:  The Stillwater platinum mine in Montana began commercial production in 2002 following an investment of $370 million.  This might be the “big-ticket” present.
  • Duplex:  We assume she’s a New Yorker.  Duplex, Laight Street, New York City, $4,995,000.
  • Checks of unknown denominations:  Average “money” gift from Santa, including gift cards, is estimated around $25.  She specifies checks, plural, so we’ll call this $50. 
  • Christmas decorations from Tiffany’s:  Santa key ornament in sterling silver, $225.
  • Ring:  We know she has a thing for platinum, and for Tiffany’s, so it makes sense that this is a platinum ring from Tiffany’s:  Etoile band ring with diamonds in platinum, $2,450.

I’ve got a total of $379,546,725 that I’m supposed to get under that tree?  She’d better be dating one of Bill Gates’s kids.  I’ll take $24,263.18 for the Twelve Damn Days any day. 

But if I’m going to make you listen to it, here’s at least a nice version with a few Hollywood starlets taking off their clothes.  (Yep, that’s Elaine Hendrix, who I remember as Meredith Blake in the 1998 Parent Trap, among other things.)   Maybe not worth $379 million, but it sure takes the edge off, doesn’t it?