Here it is already Friday - how time flies when you’re struggling just to breathe. The Big Ugly Horoscope needs a better title – The Daily Dose of Destiny has a nice ring to it, but I’ll be damned if I’m posting this daily. Weekly Walk With Wisdom? I dunno, send ideas. Fridays around noon, assuming this server and I ever agree on what timezone we’re working with, you’ll have a chance to catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week. To wit:
Aries (The Ram): You’re going to rock this week! Just kidding, your Monday will suck like everyone else’s. Deal with it.
Taurus (The Bull): Taurus, Aries, Aries, Taurus, ya’ll look so much alike I can’t really tell you apart. And you know what? I don’t care. Both your weeks are gonna suck, doesn’t matter. Your week will suck more if you wear the red shirt on Wednesday; you should just get rid of it. It’s bad luck. Didn’t you ever watch Star Trek?
Gemini (The Twins): Sunday, drink two bottles of sparkling water and eat nothing but a banana. Monday, hit the ice cream like it’s that Capricorn who stole your girlfriend. Take Tuesday off.
Cancer (The Crab): You know that really funny dick joke you just can’t wait to tell? Take a pass on that one for now – your boss eats in the same restaurant and is stilling in the next booth over. She hasn’t found dick jokes funny since the surgery.
Leo (The Lion): Monday afternoon looks good for that coffee you’ve been meaning to get with your old boyfriend. Don’t wear the same dress you’re wearing now; it’s ugly.
Virgo (The Virgin): A virgin? Get the sacrificial knife! Quick, get the – what? What do you mean we can’t – oh. Yeah, well, of course they’re an endangered species. Nevermind, um, you’re going to have a nice week.
Libra (The Scale): You keep dreaming of food. Thursday you will dream of meat pies made of IRS auditors and topped with fine-grit sandpaper shavings. Skip the sauce, it’s bastard.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You really need to lower your standards. You think a good week includes trips to New York, Disney, and Stockholm, or haute five-star burger joints. Let me tell you, a good week is one where NOBODY DIES and trips to the ER are kept to a minimum. Got it? Try to have a good week.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Your boundless ambition is tempered only by your, your, um – nope, your ambition knows no bounds. You are an amoral saber-toothed tiger, moving through this concrete Savage Garden like a bullet in butter, and no one can withstand your force. This week is the wrong week to break off the affair with the boss’s admin’s daughter’s best friend. Your lucky number is six hundred forty-three.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): It’s on! Capri-corn, Capri Sun, Capri Pants! Let your inner nudist shine this week. Leo is large in your future on Wednesday.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): The guy you were dating? You need to give him one last mercy fuck and then ditch his ass this weekend. He’s not what you need, and you know it. He knows it too, he’s just with you for the sex.
Pisces (The Fish): That noise you keep hearing in the bathroom is the mirror sighing despondently for lack of your reflection. You really are that good looking – you don’t need to lose that weight, you look fine. You carry it well. And you deserve that chocolate you’re going to eat on Monday, after the day you’re going to have!