January 27th, 2012


The Uncleverly Titled Horoscope

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Here it is already Friday - another week, another chance to catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week.  This week, for your fortune and favor, I’m highlighting some of the diseases many of you will be at risk for in the next 7 days.  Sucks to be you!!!

AriesAries (The Ram):  Next time you go to the doctor, tell her about those sores. Really – it’s not going to go away by itself.  Your lucky number is also the loneliest – 1.    

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  You are happiest when involved in some kind of creative process, which is good since you’re going to spend some quality time alone this week!  Your high-risk disease this week:  Monkeypox

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You enjoy mental exploration, and see where it’s lead you?  Right.  Despite that, you are loved, deeply, by people who are really really bad at saying that.  Knowing this probably won’t help, but it’s there.  Cling to it. 

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):  You don’t even want to know how badly your PC is going to crash this week.  Your data?  Buh-bye.  Backup your life, buhbala, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride!  Your high-risk disease this week:  Banana Wilt

LeoLeo (The Lion):  You’re awesome today, tomorrow, pretty much through Tuesday.  Wednesday through Friday is a greased slide to Loserville.   

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   You made it through the wilderness.  Somehow, you made it through.  You’d been had.  You’d been sad.  You’d been blue.  How touching.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Black Lung

LibraLibra (The Scale):  Your sign is associated with the lower back and the kidneys.   Which is funny, considering the state of your liver.  Your lucky number is a buck ninety-five, exact change only please.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):  You are a sequence of small scenes played all out of order.  You are highly contagious, capable of causing explosive outbreaks, and characterized by fever, cough, and awesomeness.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Equine Influenza

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  You.  Monday will be the best day you’ve had in weeks.  Ride that and coast for the week.   

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   That know-it-all Leo down the block from you thinks you’re cute.  He’s a stalker; don’t interact with him.   Your lucky number is 18.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Coconut Palm Bud Rot

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):  Your mama was young, and the skies were rocking with the dusty heart of a beggar woman on the night you were born.  You should listen to more Sally Oldfield, but only on Wednesday.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  Tuesday will be better than Monday, Monday will be better than the weekend.  Your lucky number is Section  You should probably lie down. Your high-risk disease this week:  White Nose Syndrome