February 3rd, 2012


The Hobbesian Horoscope

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Here it is already Friday - another week, another chance to catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week.  Hey, we’re all excited here – it finally has a name! 

AriesAries (The Ram):  Next week is a fast one.  You’ll need to take responsibility for your actions – just remember that everything you choose will be wrong.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Chronic Cervid Wasting Disease.    

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  Good news!  By Tuesday, you should be fully recovered.  Don’t get used to it.  Thursday will find you back on your head anyway.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You will find yourself waiting on Saturday and too damn late on Sunday.  Monday you’ll be holding your head with a headache that will have you in bed all of Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday will have you feeling better, but still staring at the walls. Your high-risk disease this week:  Schmallenberg. 

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):  Don’t bother watching the Superbowl on Sunday.  Your team will lose and you’ll drown your sorrows in a frothy mixture of Doritos, shame, and cheap beer. 

LeoLeo (The Lion):  You’re in for a treat on Tuesday, but you’ll have to find it for yourself.  That treat will be taken from you again on Wednesday unless you’re wearing traditional Bavarian lederhosen. Your high-risk disease this week:  Porcine Foot & Mouth.   

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   You have an army of flying monkeys and you’re not afraid to use it.  Don’t be shy about throwing your weight around, except on the bus, where that’s considered rude. 

LibraLibra (The Scale):  You’re a traveling man this week.  You will be  headed west on Wednesday and south on Saturday. Pack some extra undies, you’re going to need them.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Crimean-Congo Hemoragic fever.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):  Brush up on your foreign language skills, because you’re going to have unexpected visitors this week.  Pick up a haddock on Monday and set it in the fridge.  Once you can smell it without opening the fridge, kick them out.  Your lucky number is 13.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  Video didn’t kill the radio star, you did, and the RCMP will be looking for you this week.  There’s no statute of limitations on murder, regardless of how bad a DJ he was.  The insanity plea is your best bet.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Salmonellosis.   

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   You will think about boats most of the week.  Keep those thoughts only in your head, because anything you board in February will end in Vada A Bordo, Cazzo!  Big water is not your friend this week.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):  You are developing an unhealthy moist towelette fetish.  Weekends are your own, but you need to leave this one home when you go to work on Monday.  Your lucky number is 5 below.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Necrotizing Fasciitis.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  Tuesday will be brought to you by the letter P and the number 4.95.   You will reach a pleasant elevation on Monday and Thursday, only to come back down and return to where you started.  Get someone else to pay for it.