February 17th, 2012


The Hobbesian Horoscope, 2/17/12

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Here it is already Friday - another week, another chance to catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week.   

AriesAries (The Ram):  You will finish reading The Hunger Games next week, and then be disappointed by the movie on Thursday.  Keep your ticket stub!  Someone you know will be murdered, and you’re the most logical suspect.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Canine Leishmaniasis.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  You’re feeling better, and you should – but nothing says, “full recovery” like watching all 83 parts of Shogun on TV back-to-back, just sitting on the couch and letting someone fetch you popcorn and vicodin. 

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You will try new foods this week, for a very inclusive definition of “foods.”  Mostly, these will be drinks.  Be certain you have a designated driver with you at all times, including while sleeping.   Your high-risk disease this week:  Wobbly Possum Disease.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):  This weekend you will leave the house only to make sure the water is off and the phone lines are cut.  Disconnect the stove and turn it on; watch it fail to heat up and consider the emptiness of your life.  Your lucky number is Catch 22.

LeoLeo (The Lion):  This is a good week to invest in that beehive you’ve been thinking about.   You can fulfill your family’s destiny along the evolutionary dirt road and go from Ape to Apiarist.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Varroa Mites.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   You’re gonna love Wednesday!  That was the good news; the rest of the week’s a suckfest of spilled beer, boring lectures, and dusting the piano.  Buy a lottery ticket and dream of a better life, you never know.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   Don’t worry about a thing.  Wipe your mind clean, like an empty whiteboard before some idiot uses the permanent marker on it.  Now, imagine the best Monday you’ve ever had.  Got it?  Good.  Your Monday won’t be anything like that, but it was fun to dream, right?    Your high-risk disease this week:  Aujeszky’s Disease.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):  The Nile, not content with just being a river in Egypt, is also a good metaphor for your attitude toward the future.  You’ve been cursed with greatness, and no amount of whinging and slacking will save you from your eternal destiny among the stars.  Get a move on.  And keep the mirrors clean, you’ll need them.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  This is a week for making your wishes known and putting yourself first.  It won’t do a damn bit of good, but you’ll feel better for having gotten it off your chest.  Your lucky numbers are nine and six, in any combination.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Montipora White Syndrome.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   By the end of the week, you’ll have a new nickname.  Make your choices wisely – they’re not going to call you “boat-builder” or “brick-layer” if that’s not what you’re known for.  Oh, and that tie is awful – burn it.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   You can’t forget, you can’t forgive, you can’t move on, but there’s nothing you can do about it.  It’s going to dawn whether you like it or not – this is the age.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Bartonellosis.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  Stop thinking about plastic surgery – you don’t need it, you look great.  Tuesday will show you how awesome you are, but only as compared to other things you could have been reincarnated as – not a real high bar.  Don’t let it get you down.