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March 9th, 2012

The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3/9/12

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future!   Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!   

AriesAries (The Ram):  The last vestiges of your youthful naivete will be shattered this week like a wine glass falling to a concrete patio, splashing innocence and Cab Franc all over your clothing.  Ignore it like it never happened and order a fresh glass of wine.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  When your high-school career counselor told you you’d do well in a job where you could use your hands and your imagination, she didn’t really mean the 900 number you’re running as a side business.  Also, $4.99 a minute is a little steep – I’m never calling again.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Coffee Leaf Rust.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You will focus both of your intellects this week, and together you will rule the world.  On Tuesday.  It’ll be the same old dichotomies on Wednesday, but still.  Also, I miss that hot little black number you used to wear.  Rrrrrr!

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):  By Monday, you’ll have realized that your worst fears could be true.  By Wednesday, you’ll be a shut-in, leaving your room only to eat and pee.  Your only hope is to remember that everyone else’s fears could be true too – we’re all just as screwed as you are.  Don’t sweat it.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Typhoid.

LeoLeo (The Lion):   The glorious rays of the sun give you an inner light.  This does not make you any more attractive to the opposite sex, it just gives you better night vision – you’re still an asshole in a bad suit.  Think about what you want this weekend, and then remember you’re about as likely to get it as Newt Gingrich’s next wife. 

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   There is no joy but the joy of work!  Do you know, there are wedding cake toppers made just for people like you – a bride at a desk.  Your organizational skills will not avail you.  Lighten up – do you want to be a Virgo forever?  Your high-risk disease this week:  Black Sigatoka Disease.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   Your graciousness embraces all humanity.  It won’t be enough.  Play the lottery on Thursday, though – you never know. 

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   You are driven by boundless energy and a desire to subjugate the weak.  I say, have at ‘em – you can’t do any worse than the boneheads we’ve got now.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Canine Distemper.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  Most of the time, the people pissing you off don’t know they’re doing it.  You’re smarter than they are, so you should be in charge.  God is on your side – and if you don’t have a god, invent one.  You’re fucking Voltare, baby!

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   You’re as married to your work as that Virgo!  The two of you should work something out – corporates with benefits or something.   Aim for Monday to lay your plans.  Aim for Wednesday to pick up the pieces and start again.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Campylobacteriosis.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   Your need to socialize will be your undoing – when the Zombie hordes start marauding, you’ll be at the mall, people watching, won’t you?  “Braaaains…”  You can start practicing saying that now. 

PiscesPisces (The Fish):   You’re an overemotional dilettante with a penchant for make-believe and a tropism for bookstores.  Get over your bad self.  Tuesday’s a good day to work on that short story.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Streptococcal Scarlet Fever.


Yep, looks like another post from the Big, Ugly Man Doll!