March 30th, 2012


The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3/30/12

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future!   Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):  You’re not going to win that lottery.  Forget about it.  You couldn’t spend all that money anyway, without doing something crazy like trying to bail out Greece.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Clostridium Perfringes.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  You’re not going to win either, but wasting $500 on tickets will cause you to study statistics later, and you can call that a consolation prize.  Your parents will still call it stupid.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):  Statistics show that Geminis are more likely to win the lottery than any other sign – you still shouldn’t drop $500 on tickets, but a C-note might be in order.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Corynebacterium.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):   Your past will catch up to you this week, and old chickens that you thought were soup by now will come home to roost for a bit.  Don’t worry, but don’t put the gun down either. 

LeoLeo (The Lion):  Your therapist will ask you about your compulsive need to check your Blackberry for messages this week – you need to tell her about the “ghost vibrations” you feel if no one messages you within 6 minutes of your last e-mail. Your high-risk disease this week:  Cryptosporidiosis.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):  This is a good week to pick up a book, since you’ve pissed off all the people who ever gave a damn about you.  I suggest War and Peace, Anna Karenina, or possibly the Twilight series. 

LibraLibra (The Scale):  This is a good week for hanging in the sky, finding things to do in Denver, and taking in Aspenglow.  If you get too high, you’ll know you’re in the Rockies.   Your high-risk disease this week:  Dengue Fever.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):  Your week will be a blur of text messages, relatives, and slash fanfic filled with unrelenting narrative leitmotifs involving Jules Verne and H.G. Wells. 

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  This week, you are your very own Dale Carnegie.  You will win new friends, influence people, and then dash them to the rocks of your own little world.  Remember:  A friend is not someone you use once and throw away.  A friend is someone you can use again and again and again.  You have more of them than you think.  Your high-risk disease this week:  E. Coli.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):  The answer is “a totem pole.”  Only you know the question.  Don’t blow it. 

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):  This is a good week to consider moving, not least of which is because there’s a hired assassin on her way to your flat.  She’s a relentless, unstoppable killer, but she’s bad with paperwork.  A change of address might buy you some time.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):  Never mind the above – it’s a good week to win the lottery!  Make sure you have a ticket or 40!