Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future! Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): You’re not going to win that lottery. Forget about it. You couldn’t spend all that money anyway, without doing something crazy like trying to bail out Greece. Your high-risk disease this week: Clostridium Perfringes.
Taurus (The Bull): You’re not going to win either, but wasting $500 on tickets will cause you to study statistics later, and you can call that a consolation prize. Your parents will still call it stupid.
Gemini (The Twins): Statistics show that Geminis are more likely to win the lottery than any other sign – you still shouldn’t drop $500 on tickets, but a C-note might be in order. Your high-risk disease this week: Corynebacterium.
Cancer (The Crab): Your past will catch up to you this week, and old chickens that you thought were soup by now will come home to roost for a bit. Don’t worry, but don’t put the gun down either.
Leo (The Lion): Your therapist will ask you about your compulsive need to check your Blackberry for messages this week – you need to tell her about the “ghost vibrations” you feel if no one messages you within 6 minutes of your last e-mail. Your high-risk disease this week: Cryptosporidiosis.
Virgo (The Virgin): This is a good week to pick up a book, since you’ve pissed off all the people who ever gave a damn about you. I suggest War and Peace, Anna Karenina, or possibly the Twilight series.
Libra (The Scale): This is a good week for hanging in the sky, finding things to do in Denver, and taking in Aspenglow. If you get too high, you’ll know you’re in the Rockies. Your high-risk disease this week: Dengue Fever.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): Your week will be a blur of text messages, relatives, and slash fanfic filled with unrelenting narrative leitmotifs involving Jules Verne and H.G. Wells.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This week, you are your very own Dale Carnegie. You will win new friends, influence people, and then dash them to the rocks of your own little world. Remember: A friend is not someone you use once and throw away. A friend is someone you can use again and again and again. You have more of them than you think. Your high-risk disease this week: E. Coli.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): The answer is “a totem pole.” Only you know the question. Don’t blow it.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): This is a good week to consider moving, not least of which is because there’s a hired assassin on her way to your flat. She’s a relentless, unstoppable killer, but she’s bad with paperwork. A change of address might buy you some time. Your high-risk disease this week: Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease.
Pisces (The Fish): Never mind the above – it’s a good week to win the lottery! Make sure you have a ticket or 40!