Another Friday, and Good Friday to you! Here’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming Easter and Passover week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This week you will celebrate passing the tests to get your commercial realtor’s license by going out and buying a shiny new pair of bright red shoes. This will prove all the more ironic when that house falls on you afterward, leaving only your feet sticking out.
Taurus (The Bull): All your best guesses will be wrong this week, your aim will be off, and your cakes and souffles will fall. Tuesday looks good for a low carb snack. Your high-risk disease this week: Hantavirus.
Gemini (The Twins): You should consider surgery, therapy, and astrology, not necessarily in that order. Pisces will play a big role in your sex life this week.
Cancer (The Crab): You will get a new job offer soon. This week, you will need to bone up on your interviewing skills. For instance, telling your interviewer ”Any time, any day, my snipers can drop you,” might have had a negative impact on your last interview. Your high-risk disease this week: Hepatitis.
Leo (The Lion): This week will be an emotional desert, a wasteland. You will be at the bottom of your own personal org chart, the nadir, the lowest rung. Think about self-promotion, and despair.
Virgo (The Virgin): Consider your collections this week. Do you really need another small stuffed plush toy of one of the Powerpuff Girls? Maybe you do – only you can say. Blossom may be smart, but Buttercup is Hard. Core. Bitch. Your high-risk disease this week: Anthrax.
Libra (The Scale): Your only hope of surviving this week is to get in the fountain, naked, and bath yourself in the cold water of shame. Doesn’t matter, any fountain. No, not just your underpants – all of it. Yes! Just get in, ya sissy. Oh, shut up, it’s not that cold. I don’t care. Now, do you feel the shame? Does it burn? No? Well, you’re doing it wrong.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is a good week for getting back to things, like school. While you might consider stealing your father’s cue and making a living playing pool, this is contraindicated at this time. Hit the books before you hit the rails. Your high-risk disease this week: Kyasanur Forest Disease.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Social media and alcohol are your best outlets for the muse that wants to blossom within you. This is your week for fanfic. This is your week for chick-lit. Consider the confluence of Hello Kitty, Scarlett O’Hara, and Internet Rule 34. Live the dream.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You want a pony, but your argument is invalid. You can’t reproduce your results, and you will not be getting a pony this week. You’ll be lucky to find a beer. Your high-risk disease this week: Late Blight.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): This Sunday, find an Easter flower and pluck it. Monday, think of the meaning of the flower. It is your desert rose, your late-blooming moonchild, the seawater in your veins, and the tide is coming in. There, now practice those lines until you can say them well enough to get laid after a good meal at a French restaurant. You’re welcome.
Pisces (The Fish): This week, you will become tangentially and glancingly involving in a police investigation. For murder. Your near-complete lack of involvement will not prevent you from becoming obsessed with the idea, the case, and the highly unlikely series of unfortunate events that will lead Officer Olaf back to you. Keep your movie stubs. Your high-risk disease this week: Urogenital Chlamydia.