Grab your hockey masks, it’s Friday the 13th! If you live through the day, this will be another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This is a great week to start that diet, but you won’t, will you? You’re just going to sit there with that box of Oreo cookies and that blank look on your face, staring at the goddamn clock on the wall as you eat that whole box, one. By. One. You can’t control the anger by eating, but you’ll never learn that. Your high-risk disease this week: Leaf & Stripe Rusts.
Taurus (The Bull): You refuse to be categorized the way Jell-O refuses to be nailed to a wall, but this week that will come back to haunt you. If you can’t be included in the demographic data, Ed McMahon will never know where to send your check. Move along, opportunity, move along.
Gemini (The Twins): . Your week will include long bouts of self evaluation and require large quantities of adult beverages. You will coin a new phrase, “the old wire-up-the-nose trick.” Your high-risk disease this week: Legionellosis.
Cancer (The Crab): This is a great week to start the next chapter in the steamy fanfic of your life. Your true calling will reveal itself as you tell an old story from a new perspective, brilliantly executed except that no one’s paying you. You know, yet.
Leo (The Lion): This week will be a filbert in a bowl of peanuts, a sour note in the bath, the off-tone you can’t identify as your fax machines dials again and again, never to connect. Stay away from pushpins and thumbtacks on Wednesday. Your high-risk disease this week: Lumpy Skin Disease.
Virgo (The Virgin): All around the world, statues are crumbling. For you. You bastard. Stay away from Facebook this week, that shit’ll kill ya.
Libra (The Scale): On Tuesday, you will eat a potato and you will be happy about it. Wednesday, realize that was the french fried potato of your soul, and despair. Your high-risk disease this week: Measles.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): Try to fart less this week, it’s not as attractive as you think. Your escape lies in education, but your education is never complete. Your lucky number this week is 57,005.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This week, you are an ice queen Hello Kitty, nice to look at and deadly to touch. The throngs will worship at your five-inch spike heels in vain. Your high-risk disease this week: Turtle Ranavirus.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You will be held directly responsible this week for North Korea’s botched rocket launch, the recent series of earthquakes, and the disappearance of 90% of the honeybees in the world. Nice going, asshole.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): It wasn’t a dream, no matter how much you wish it was. Start updating your resume and honing your interview techniques, because practicing your pickup lines on your supervisor’s underage daughter will prove to be a career limiting move. Your high-risk disease this week: Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus.
Pisces (The Fish): Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button, nobody puts Baby in the corner, and nobody thinks that tie goes with that shirt. You are a fashion nightmare and this week, you will prove it!