Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Not a bad week coming up. Your biggest concern is cutting your tongue while licking your knife clean at the fancy restaurant you’re going to on Wednesday. Try not to bleed on the linens.
Taurus (The Bull): Good news Bad news – this week, you will finally find enough courage in that bottle to ask your sweetie to marry you. The answer will be no. Back to the bottle, and despair. Your high-risk disease this week: Mycoplasma Gallisepticum.
Gemini (The Twins): You will spend the week making up for lost time in bed, resting. Yeah, that’s what they call it these days. Resting.
Cancer (The Crab): This will be a good week for watching the Hunger Games again, then re-reading the book and noting the differences. Try not to slip into the madness there; you’ll never come out. Next, you’ll be casting the movies yourself, and that is the path to insanity and despair. Your high-risk disease this week: Orange Sugarcane Rust.
Leo (The Lion): You know you’re not supposed to do that with those cans of compressed air, right? Not a healthy habit, and this is week to break it. Just say no. Be strong. Join a support group. You can beat this.
Virgo (The Virgin): This week you’re going to hell, you’re going to the races, and you’re going to lose anyway. May as well go with a bang. Tuesday will be nice if you buy a present for a Sagittarius. Your high-risk disease this week: Pineapple Sugarcane Disease.
Libra (The Scale): You’re going to have a Dale Carnegie kind of week, in that people will try to win and influence you. Stick to your guns – your weird old guns.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is a great week for reading quietly and pretending you can’t hear those noises upstairs. Her name isn’t Luka, and you probably shouldn’t ask. Your high-risk disease this week: Plague.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This is a good week to smack the HR person who makes life so miserable. It won’t help in the long run, but you’ll feel better when you hear the cheers from the cubicles around you!
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): . This week you will need to remember the lessons your old scoutmaster taught you: You don’t have to outrun the bear. You just have to outrun the Virgo behind you. Your high-risk disease this week: Rabbit Hemorrhagic Disease.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You will go to a steak joint that will rock your world this week, and by your world I mean your wallet. Will it be worth it? Only you and the cow you’re eating can say for sure. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
Pisces (The Fish): Gemini plays a large role in your week this week, as will the exercise of your democratic rights. Monday’s not a good day for buying books, stay home instead. Your high-risk disease this week: Rabies.