It’s the last Friday in April – the month has flown by! Here’s to hoping the most dire of your horoscopes failed to come to pass. But read on, dear friend, for here is once again another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): Good news bad news – your dreams will come true this week. Unfortunately, it’s the dream you keep having about getting caught in the office break room without your clothing. Your high-risk disease this week: Red Tide.
Taurus (The Bull): Today, you can fly! Tomorrow, though, you’re going to want to lay in a supply of Percocet.
Gemini (The Twins): This is a good week to get that surgery scheduled. Come on, you know you want to! Your high-risk disease this week: Rotavirus.
Cancer (The Crab): This week will be lucky for you, in that you will touch wood three times. Mind you, one of those times will be as the tree comes through your roof…
Leo (The Lion): It’s OK to tell your friends that you’ll meet them at that bar on Wednesday and then not show up. They were going to stand you up anyway. In fact, no one goes to that bar anymore. Your high-risk disease this week: Sarcocystis Calchasi.
Virgo (The Virgin): You know that week where it seems like every time you need to use the bathroom, the cleaning crew is in there blocking it and the stairs are blocked off for construction and the elevator doesn’t work? Yeah? Well, this is that week.
Libra (The Scale): This week your life will take an interesting turn. Left. Then another left. Then right at the light. Then straight for about 3 miles, and then left when you see ol’ Roscoe (he’s a hound dog) barkin’ at the corner. Your high-risk disease this week: Sorghum Smut Disease.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This week you will learn the glory and the horror that is global search and replace, as you try to change the gender of your main character and the word “hits” becomes “shits” in several dozen places.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This week, you will come to truly understand the deeper meaning of the terror implicit in those immortal words: “Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!” Touch it. Touch the monkey. You know you want to. Your high-risk disease this week: Spotted Fever Rickettsiosis.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): By Wednesday of this week, you’ll understand the difference between having your head in the clouds and just daydreaming. Don’t worry, the bruises will fade with time, and it’s probably not broken.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Not everyone you meet this week will consider your mere presence to be a walking requirement to shut down the nearest bar – but most of them will. Play your cards right and you won’t pay for a drink all week. Good thing you can remove your prosthetic arm at the shoulder – you won’t wake up that troll getting out of bed the next morning. Your high-risk disease this week: Staphylococcal Enterotoxin.
Pisces (The Fish): If your manager quits this week, you might think about applying for the job. Careful what you wish for, it’s a hot seat – but then you like to keep your rear nice and warm, don’t you? Run. Run while you can!