Happy Friday! Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This is a good week to wear your wolf suit and make mischief of one kind and another. Sure, you may be eaten up or sent to bed without eating anything, but there’s probably a private boat in it for you. Your high-risk disease this week: Maize Redness.
Taurus (The Bull): Monday doesn’t look like a good day for you. You will find yourself in a dark place. It will be very dark. You will not be able to find a light. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
Gemini (The Twins): This week you will sail through night and day, in and out of weeks, and almost over a year. If you cannot remember the magic trick of staring into peoples eyes without blinking once, you could be consumed by the wild things during the rumpus. If you can remember, you could be made king, or queen – your choice. Your high-risk disease this week: Tubulointerstitial Nephritis.
Cancer (The Crab): This week you will complete your little “weather control” machine, won’t you, Mr. Cleverdick Inventor? That’ll be great, just great, when you realize you’ve got it stuck on “more rain” and you can’t switch it off for the torrential downpour. You’ve doomed us all, you fool! Oh, and your lucky number is 3. But you’re still a knob.
Leo (The Lion): Is it really better to be a live jackal than a dead lion? Wednesday, you’re going to find out. Good luck with that. Your high-risk disease this week: Pertussis.
Virgo (The Virgin): Four words: Dictionary, Passport, Windows Vista. You’re going to need to flee the country this week; make your checklist now. They know all about you, and the noose is tightening!
Libra (The Scale): This week you get to ride a roller coaster! Up and down, and over and under and puking all over yourself. The bad news – it’s an emotional roller coaster. You’re still vomiting, though. Your high-risk disease this week: Anthracnose.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You don’t sleep enough. This week will be no exception, except for the parts of the weekend where you sleep past noon. This will not help.
Sagittarius (The Archer): On Tuesday, that new kitchen gizmo you ordered will show up in the mail. “Some assembly required” means that it will come with a little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. You will need a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. Good luck. Your high-risk disease this week: Babesiosis.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You should come out for gay marriage this week, and then explain to everyone that you supported gay marriage before it was cool.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Do you know how sometimes you tell people how awful your day was, and they say something like, “sucks to be you?” All I can say is, try to watch out for that box of thumbtacks, because Thursday, it’s going to really suck to be you. Your high-risk disease this week: Tickborne Relapsing Fever.
Pisces (The Fish): This week, you will roar your terrible roar, gnash your terrible teeth, roll your terrible eyes, show your terrible claws, and fucking eat anyone who can’t meet your eyes without blinking. Eat them no matter how eloquent they may be, nor whether or not they can spell worth a damn. If they drop their eyes, kill them and eat them.