Happy Friday! Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): By Wednesday, the noise from your computer will drive you to such distraction that you will totally flip and turn it off with your 9mm. The good news: HR will decide not to fire you. The bad news: your entire office will call you Elvis as long as you work there.
Taurus (The Bull): You’ll have your hair done up right and you’ll look your best, but you’re still going to look like an idiot standing there with 63 eggplants and a beet in the checkout line. When the cashier asks you what the heck you’re doing, tell her it’s a math problem. Your high-risk disease this week: Angiostrongylus Cantonensis.
Gemini (The Twins): On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to pulverize your enemy, your worst nightmare. Too bad that your enemy is a kidney stone the size of a VW bug.
Cancer (The Crab): You will be taking over for your parents sooner than you think. Remember the song about the palindrome? It won’t be nearly as funny then, will it Bob? Your high-risk disease this week: Psittacosis.
Leo (The Lion): Your week will be filled with magic, wonder, and a vague sense of longing and despair.
Virgo (The Virgin): You are a wonderful, generous person and your friends are about to completely take advantage of that, probably in mid- to late June. You can teach anyone anything, but this week an old dog will test your new tricks. Your high-risk disease this week: Newcastle Disease.
Libra (The Scale): You will need to start a charcoal fire later this week, but you can’t start a fire without a spark. You will need a match, but you’re matchless. Serves you right.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This week you will be tested to within an inch of your life. You can pray to Sol, the sun god, for illumination, but you will only dream of breaking tip after tip off your number two pencil. Lead, lead, they’re spelled the same. Your high-risk disease this week: Vibrio Fluvailis.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Some people have to run away to Canada. What will you do if you’re already there? This week, find out. When in doubt, let it ride.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You are the entertainer in your house, but your piano will crap out this week, and your voice with it. Tickle the ivories with your coattails, it’s to no avail. Your high-risk disease this week: Roundworm.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You’ve heard people say that you have a photographer’s eye, and you know it’s true. He’s coming back this week, though, and if you don’t turn yourself in, the riot squad will finish this, you sick fuck.
Pisces (The Fish): The stars say that you’ll take a few days off this week. Your boss says you’ll probably answer most of your email, and your officemates have a pool betting that you can’t go more than 3 hours without responding to your mail. Your high-risk disease this week: Infectious Salmon Anemia.