Happy Friday and yeah, I know, I’m late. Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This is a good week for your new gastronomic pastimes, but I’m still not eating that bushmeat. Touch it! Touch the monkey!
Taurus (The Bull): You are a highly political animal, and your ideas about forming a Subcommittee for Subcommittee Formation Oversight will be met with thunderous applause this week. Your high-risk disease this week: Chickenpox.
Gemini (The Twins): This is your week to rest up and catch up before your weeks move into complete crazy mode. Enjoy it while you can; it won’t last.
Cancer (The Crab): The chess match you agreed to last week is coming up. You might want to rethink your “kill the queen at all costs” strategy, since your opponent plays with her knights. If she offers to beat your bishop, go for it. Your high-risk disease this week: Rhodococcus.
Leo (The Lion): You were born in 1899, and you still look younger than springtime. This week, your great-grandchild will find the bodies of all those chickens you’ve sacrificed over the years – tell her you’re making a feather bed for her dolls and you wanted to surprise her.
Virgo (The Virgin): You will be surrounded by song this week, but the bluebird of happiness outside your window carries avian influenza. Regardless, your high-risk disease this week is actually Adenovirus 55.
Libra (The Scale): The scales of justice will fall squarely in your favor this week, but you won’t notice it until it’s too late to claim your prize.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You will have a chance to travel this week, but you won’t go. You will examine each brick closely while looking for that wall they were talking about. Put your glasses on. Your high-risk disease this week: Meningococcal Meningitis.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This is a good week for kicking back. No, really – if someone kicks you, kick ‘em back. Right in the nuts, that’s what I say.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This week, you will finally start seeing the fnords. Be afraid. Your high-risk disease this week: Scrapie.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You’re living a Yahtzee life in a Monopoly world, and you’re about to roll doubles. You can’t get out of jail for free anymore – it’s been a long time since you were 18.
Pisces (The Fish): There will be a few dozen people demonstrating outside your house this week. Unfortunately, they’re demonstrating how to install new gas lines in the sewers and streets; the noise is just a bonus. Good luck sleeping, sucker! Your high-risk disease this week: Viroid Apple Skin Scar.