Happy Friday! Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): The Good: This week you’re going to party like it’s the end of the world. The Bad: You might as well, because guess what? Your high-risk disease this week: Respiritory Syncytial Virus.
Taurus (The Bull): The camera never lies, never blinks, and never needs to take a break to just run out for one quick cigarette and maybe a cheeseburger, which is more than you’ll be able to say this week when the film crew from 60 Minutes shows up outside your front door.
Gemini (The Twins): Vegetable juice figures highly in your life this week; consider adding booze to it – you’re going to need it. Spend the week cleaning lightly – no one really notices the stains, so it’s not worth bending over to scrub them. Your high-risk disease this week: Filariasis.
Cancer (The Crab): You will descend, this week, from the first enclosure, down to the sub-basement. Be careful how you enter that wide-gated, storm filled room – you could find yourself stuck, and then where would you be? Right there in the sub-basement, right. Anyway, you won’t like it.
Leo (The Lion): The Good: You will have your own library this week, as though you didn’t have one before. The Bad: You have to share it with the ravens, who feel propriatarily about many of the books. The Ugly: They talk, and they’re going to be offended if you don’t talk back. Your high-risk disease this week: Beak & Feather Disease.
Virgo (The Virgin): Your lover will ask you to please eat more pineapple and mint leaves this week, making you seriously reconsider your plans to leave them. Stay the course! But you might want to wait another two weeks before you dump them on the front porch.
Libra (The Scale): You’ve been pressing forward a long time. It’s been a tough slog, but you’ve persevered. Your hard work and determination will seem to be rewarded this week, when you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not just a cliche, though – that really is a dragon coming your way. Your high-risk disease this week: Prion Disease.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This week you will be tested to within an inch of your life. You will be out of your mind with worries of failure, of never living up to expectations, of having forgotten the capitol of Serbia. Do everything your parents always told you to do and you might win through to the victory.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Will the suitors never stop throwing themselves at your booted feet? You tell them all they are too late, but still they come, more this week, dashing themselves on the rocks of your disdain. They were never going to be good enough anyway. Your high-risk disease this week: Strangles.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): Tuesday, you will return a computer network cable for a different computer network cable, which will also not fix your problem. Your problem is that you’re too fucking stupid to use that thing, and no cable is going to fix that.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): There will be a knock on your door Monday. Don’t answer. It’s opportunity, but it’s an opportunity to buy into a great deal on an investment property with a time-share option that you really need to think about! Just don’t answer. Your high-risk disease this week: Shigellosis.
Pisces (The Fish): This week, you will write a poem. If it’s anything like the drivel you wrote last week, remember to burn it along with the others.