Recently my company launched a new initiative for “Wellness” – promoting employee welfare through staying in shape, maintaining a good work-life balance, being responsible citizens, and being “prepared” – although that latter one mostly read like making sure you’re prepared to get old and die.
Being the responsible citizen that I am, I took the 6-question stress test offered on their new site, which will help you gauge your current level of stress. (I work in the Washington DC area, commonly cited as one of the most stressed out places in the known universe.) I noted with a certain incredulity that their first question asked me to rate my current level of stress, using 1 as low and 5 as high. This would seem to obviate the need for the other 5 questions.
After stressing about this for a minute, in the interest of helping all my loyal readers gauge their current levels of stress, I thought I’d create my own Stress Test, using a method that is highly scientific on account of it has more than 6 questions. Answer the following 20 questions as honestly as you can, sobriety notwithstanding, and I will present you with a scientifically derived “Stress Index Number” at the end of the test. Based on your SIN, I will present a variety of options to choose from to help reduce your stress levels, if needed.
Interpreting your Stress Index Number:
If your SIN is less than 11: You’re fucking lying.
If your SIN is between 12 and 20: You’re pretty relaxed for someone on the run from the law. They’re going to catch you eventually, but you’re a honeybadger, aren’t you? You don’t care. You don’t give a shit. It’s a grand adventure. You go, honeybadger. You go.
If your SIN is between 21 and 40: You’re doing ok. You’re not going to pop anytime soon, but you’re on a slippery slope of stress and sudden angry urges. Consider adding more alcohol and sex to your diet.
If your SIN is between 41 and 60: Just what you need, one more thing to worry about. You now have a number – a concrete, solid, put-your-hands-on-it digit – for your stress, to add to all the things you’re already stressing about. Try not to let it get to you. Just try. What’s going to help? Naked time!
If your SIN is between 61 and 80: You, my friend, are a beautiful mess. You’re past the saving embrace of booze – you’re going to need medical intervention. Try checking yourself into a sex therapy clinic and offering to be the release valve for the “guests” – you seriously need to get laid.
If your SIN is greater than 81: Put the gun down. Step away from the gun. OK, deep breath now. The nice people with the thorazine are on their way. It’s all going to be – I said step away from the gun. No. No! Put it down again. Come on, it’ll be fine. We have cookies.