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June 15th, 2012

The Hobbesian Horoscope, 6/15/12

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Happy Friday, halfway through June and halfway through the year!  Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):  You’ve been getting high on life, but you’re building up a tolerance, aren’t you?  Just doesn’t seem to be enough anymore, huh?  This week, try a new tack.  A thumbtack.  One good shot of pain in your thumb ought to make you happy you don’t do that every day.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):   All your decisions this week will be wrong.  Your best bet is just to stay inside and call in sick every other day this week, contemplating your abject longing for acclaim and why your mother never called you by your real name. Your high-risk disease this week:  Theileria.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You’ll find this is a great week for getting plugged with tubes and wires, sawed open, stitched up, and sent off for field training as the next Bionic Woman.  You’re Jamie Freakin’ Sommers, baby!

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):   That purchase order you submitted will be audited next week.  Be prepared to justify your department’s “need” for 60,000 feet of tram cable and 27 tubs of Crisco.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Nodding Disease.

LeoLeo (The Lion):   The bad news: You’re going to get your undies in a bunch this week.  The good news:   You’re going to get your undies in a bunch of sauce, because hey, they’re edible!  You can serve them for dinner on Wednesday; if anyone asks, tell them it’s chicken.   

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   Your boating excursion this week will end with what can only be called Close Encounters of the Bird Kind:  you will be an unwilling participant in a dramatic reenactment of Leda and the Swan.  The bad news?  You’re not the swan.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Bogia Syndrome.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   Remember all that money you bet on I’ll Have Another to win the Belmont?  Remember how the bookie skipped town when the horse didn’t even run?  Next week will be just like that. 

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   Hey, it’s a good week to sleep in.  You’re not going to, because you need to stay active, but it would have been a good week for it anyway. Your high-risk disease this week:  Sponge Orange Band.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   Your week centers on shoes, cupcakes, and thigh-high Hello Kitty boots.  You will might not be on time where you’re going, but you’re going to look DAMN good when you get there. 

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   Tuesday you will become reacquainted with San Pellegrino water, unfortunately by falling into some of it.  Don’t worry, it’s good for your hair. Your high-risk disease this week:  Sclerotinia Subarctica.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):  You will have that dream again, where you’re on a 3-hour teleconference with people who can’t stop asking questions that they should  already know the answers to and won’t take them offline.  Oh, wait, that’s not a dream, that’s your Thursday.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):   You will find yourself trapped in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.  You are likely to be eaten – enjoy it, since you’ll be eaten first.  It’s a high honor. Your high-risk disease this week:  Huanglongbing.

Yep, looks like another post from the Big, Ugly Man Doll!