Happy Friday! Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): You’re actually going to be drafted this week. The Army doesn’t care how old you are, you were overlooked back then and they’ve finally found you. Lucky for you they won’t have to waste time shaving your bald head.
Taurus (The Bull): Hogs on the Hill, 8494 Liberia Ave. Bring the money, just like we talked about. Don’t go to the police. Order the ribs with sausage on the side and cough into your left hand twice. Your high-risk disease this week: Serratia Marcescens.
Gemini (The Twins): It’s going to be another Holy week for you. And yes, of all the puncture-wound related jokes in all the world, I went for holy. Look on the bright side – the worst thing that can happen this week is that you run out of pain meds.
Cancer (The Crab): This week, you will find out how cool you can be when its a hundred degrees in the shade, and there’s no shade. Stay cool. Your high-risk disease this week: Infectious Hematopoietic Necrosis.
Leo (The Lion): That hat really becomes you. It’s a problem, since now you have a hat-based doppelganger walking around pretending to be you and running up your bar tabs. God help you if it gets hold of your credit cards.
Virgo (The Virgin): This week you’ll need a strong hand, a light touch, and quick fist to get what you want. Take it – you earned it. Or, you will have by the time you punch the lights out of the person in front of you in the grocery store. They totally deserve it. Hit somebody. Your high-risk disease this week: Rubella.
Libra (The Scale): You will take a great journey over a mighty water. Too bad for you, you’re coming home, not going there.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): It’s a good week to collect on your debts and keep working your magic. Someone will notice eventually. Your high-risk disease this week: Sapovirus.
Sagittarius (The Archer): MOAR MEDS. It’s a good thing.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This week you will find yourself in a crisis of self: What is a sea-goat, anyway? Your high-risk disease this week: Fusarium Endophthalmitis.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): This week will be the dawning of the age of you, baby – it’s all about you. Enjoy it while you can; it won’t last.
Pisces (The Fish): You will find the difference this week between having a decent web site and having a decent beer. Hint: about $1500. Your high-risk disease this week: Hop Stunt Disease.