Happy Friday! Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This will be another weekend spent cleaning up from the wretched derecho that whacked your house and trees. Mind your hands while you’re in the yard, because your high-risk disease this week is Ulcerative Dermal Necrosis. Good luck with that.
Taurus (The Bull): You don’t really love that guy you make it with, now do you? We know you don’t love him, because we can see right through you.
Gemini (The Twins): This is a good week for relaxing with some nice medicinal herbs, such as morphine. Take it easy, or at least pretend like you can take it easy. Your meds might help with your high-risk disease this week: Swimmer’s Itch.
Cancer (The Crab): You will have a new plan for every night of the week this week. Not one of them will work out the way you expect. Wednesday is likely to be particularly horrifying – consider just staying home.
Leo (The Lion): Don’t worry about a thing. Those servers are fine, just fine. You just *think* that’s smoke you’re smelling; really, don’t worry about it. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. Your high-risk disease this week: Glanders.
Virgo (The Virgin): You will get sucked into writing proposals this week, for people you don’t like, on topics you’re not familiar with, that won’t win anyway. In other words, it will be like every other Friday afternoon when you were hoping to leave early.
Libra (The Scale): This is the week you get to tell everyone about their raises this year. Since none of them are getting more than the cost of living, I don’t envy your job. Your high-risk disease this week: Ciguatera.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): Another week of mind-numbing drudgery punctuated by occasional bursts of baseball.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This week you may be sucked into believing that you can’t do it. You can, actually. You won’t, but you could have. Don’t sweat it – nobody else really does it either. Your high-risk disease this week: Vibrio Vulnificus.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You know that lady with the really loud, obnoxious voice that you can’t stand, but she’s one of your clients so you have to pretend to like her, even though she has nothing to say that really makes any damn sense at all? Right, stuck in the elevator with her. Don’t fake fainting, she knows CPR – and you *won’t* enjoy it.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): That guy who called you last week? He’ll be calling every day this week. By Wednesday, you’ll need a restraining order. By Friday, you’ll need a shrink. Your high-risk disease this week: Equine Hendra Virus.
Pisces (The Fish): This is a good week for nice people to give you free stuff. Also, consider getting a taller ladder next time – that siding won’t repair itself! Don’t break this one, ok?