July 13th, 2012


The Hobbesian Horoscope, 7/13/12

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Happy Friday the 13th!  Love it or hate it, lucky or un, this Friday the 13th presages another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):   What kind of week are you in for?  The kind of week that would make St. Francis of Assisi kick puppies.  By Wednesday. 

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):   Speaking of Saints, this week you will become the patron saint of getting a haircut and getting a real job, since you’re going to lose the one you have shortly.  You didn’t enjoy working there anyway, and they were never going to promote you.  In fact, you should quit before you’re fired.  Show them who’s boss.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Coccidioidomycosis.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You probably overdid it today, didn’t you?  You’re going to pay for that next week.  That morphine won’t last forever; you need to make sure you’ve weaned yourself back to over-the-liquor-counter painkillers before you run out.   

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):   Have you ever been in a cockpit before?  How about a Turkish bath?  No?  Probably for the best, but you’re in for an interesting week.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Murine Typhus.

LeoLeo (The Lion):   Tuesday will be spent repaying a Karmic debt, laying bricks in a small wall.  Wednesday you will be spent, physically and emotionally, just from picking up and laying all those bricks, and of course from the screaming. 

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):  After listening to your old Billy Idol mix tapes all day, you will find the date you’ve been dreaming of on Monday evening.  That date will be January 17th, 2034.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Lyme Disease.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   You think your life is a balancing act, and it is, but no one’s watching.  It won’t matter that you’ve dropped a few.  No one cares.  No one gives a shit. 

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   This week, you run a very high risk of being turned into a fish.  When life hands you fins, join the swim team.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Koi Herpesvirus.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   A little better every day, until the day the thigh-high boots go on sale, by which I mean Thursday.  You know you want ‘em.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   You know that vacation you scheduled all those months ago?   You know that article you read about all the damn sharks off the Atlantic shore the other day?   You know how poorly you swim with one of your legs in the mouth of an animal the size of your car?  Your high-risk disease this week:  Ephemeral Fever.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   Technology is your friend this week, except for that virus you just downloaded, which is going to erase all your porn, which will in turn cause you to go out on that date Tuesday with the proverbial loaded gun, which will tell you that going home with a girl named Marsha is a good idea, which it isn’t, since her name isn’t really Marsha.  It’s Steve.   

PiscesPisces (The Fish):    Your week will be filled with paperwork and the insane pursuit of a Top Secret clearance.  Since you still haven’t cleaned up the debris from the meth lab science experiment you tried to build in your basement, this is probably a bad idea.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Cucumber Mosaic Virus.