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July 27th, 2012

The Hobbesian Horoscope, 7/27/12

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Happy Friday.   Have you ever noticed that your horoscopes become even more bleak and depressing when I have a cold?  Well, no, how could you.  But you can assume that if your upcoming week looks really nasty, that I’m in a pretty bad mood.  Also, you can assume since I’m mentioning this right now that you’re in for a rough one - poor, nasty, brutish, and short don’t cover the half of it.  But don’t let that get you down!  Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):    The guilt you feel over cooking those lobsters this weekend will be mitigated only by your certain knowledge that they were all suicidal to start with.  The female lobster had watched every one of her 377 children get caught in traps and hauled to the surface, while the two males were tired of living in a world where no one understood their love.  They all welcomed the killing steam, the Old Bay seasoning, the oblivion, the butter. 

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):   Your office will be moved to a new building across the street, which will inexplicably add 45 minutes to your commute.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Encephalitis. 

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):     All your plans will come to pass exactly as scheduled this week.  Don’t you wish you’d planned for better things? 

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):   The dream you keep having about the yellow Post-it notes that seem to be taking over your desk will seem to come true this week.  By Thursday you will twitch involuntarily every time you see one.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Leptospirosis.

LeoLeo (The Lion):    You will watch every single televised Olympic event this week, eschewing sleep and food, dining only on the bitterness of knowing that for each event, every one of them, that could have been you.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):  Even sex will leave you feeling empty this week.  Well, more empty than usual.  Laughter will ring hollow, you will question friendships, you will brood on a diet of fast food and anger.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Brucella Melitensis.

LibraLibra (The Scale):    That headache you’ve had for the last three and a half years will finally clear up.  The bad news:  she wants half.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   There won’t be enough coffee in the world for you to accomplish your goals this week, and even if there were, it would still taste like schoolwork with milk and sugar.  Give it up and just surf the Internet, maybe you’ll find something inspiring.   Your high-risk disease this week:   Malta Fever.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   You run a very serious risk of your cats eating your shoes this week.  Since the only thing that cost more than the ensuing vet bills were the shoes themselves, you might want to check on Fifi’s food bowl twice a day. 

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   You will be given a list of hardware and software.  All but one of the updates you make to these two lists will be wrong, and the only right one will be too expensive.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Vesicular Stomatitis.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):      All your favorite teams will lose this week, and the waiter who used to comp your booze will have been fired when you get to your local bar on Monday.  Remember to bring cash for a change. 

PiscesPisces (The Fish):    The guy who would have offered you a book deal on your blog will read your most recent post on Wednesday and move on with his life.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Panama Banana Disease.   At least it goes with your hat.


Yep, looks like another post from the Big, Ugly Man Doll!