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August 3rd, 2012

The Hobbesian Horoscope, 8/3/12

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):    It’s hot.  It’s damn hot.  It’s so damn hot that by Tuesday, you’re going to be able to feel the fleas in your underarm hair doing the backstroke in your sweat, that’s how damn hot it is.  By Wednesday, you’re going to seriously consider shaving all the hair off your body.  By Thursday, you’re going to look like that picture you took of yourself naked when you were 9, except taller and with more, um, places.  (You should *really* delete that.)   Your high-risk disease this week:   Influenza.  How droll.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):   I know you want to find a new project, but that’s not how life works.  Or is it?  Wednesday, you might have a shot at a new gig.  Be sure not to tell anyone for weeks and leave both projects in the lurch when you decide to quit the rat race and become a neo-natal baby whispering monk.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):  You will take a grand trip this week!  Your visiting schedule will be wonderful and sweet in direct proportion to your ability to shut up about your own feelings when faced with lunatics.  Smile.  Nod.  Move on with your life.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Avian Hummingbird Pox.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):   You have no idea how badly you’ve screwed up, have you?  You’re going to melt one of these days, and you won’t even know why.  Go out for a beer with the boys on Tuesday, they’ve got something to show you.  Hoo boy.

LeoLeo (The Lion):   This week will be good for placing bets on the outcome of Olympic sports that you’ve recorded on your new PVR.  As long as you know the outcome in advance, now’s the time to bet the house when it comes to sexual favors.  On the other hand, your high-risk disease this week is Dysentery, so this might not be the *best* week for that…

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):  You’re never going to read this anyway, and if you did, you probably wouldn’t get it.  I don’t know why I bother some days, you know that?  What’s the matter with you?  Were you dropped on your head as a small child?  Seriously dude, this week you need to log in, turn on, and drop out.  You know, again.

LibraLibra (The Scale):    You are about to embark on one of the most boring weeks in recent memory.  Nothing will stand out.  Once you get to Wednesday, you’ll think it’s Friday or Monday because the days will all run together that badly.  This week is so boring, your high-risk disease will be Bronchitis – which you’ve actually had recently.  Try to look forward to next week’s horoscope – it’s the only thing that will get you through the doldrums of this interminable week.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   Did you finish your work this week?  No.  Will you finish it next week?  No.  Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?  The answer to that question is left as an exercise for the student.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):   Other than your high risk of contracting Vibrio Parahaemolyticus this week, things look good.  Well, better.  OK, not really, but there’s cupcakes.  OK, you have to make the damn cupcakes yourself, but hey, cupcakes, amiright?

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   Aries features heavily in your week, largely since they’re going to ask you to help them shave their entire body, and you’ll probably reciprocate.  I know it’s tempting, since you’re both standing there wearing nothing but a razor and a smile, but you really, really don’t want to have sex with them this week.  Give it time.  Maybe next week.  Wait for the itching to stop, if you get my drift. 

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   Regardless of how badly your team is doing – and yes, they suck – you will still watch when you can this week.  They’re not going to get any better this week either.  Watch the Olympics; at least someone you can pronouce will win something.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Bud Rot.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):    You will go on a long journey.  You will bring your Billy Idol CD.   It won’t help.


Yep, looks like another post from the Big, Ugly Man Doll!