Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This is a good week for nosebleeds. Keep the tissues near and stay away from the shark-infested waters – they’re not averse to a few bogies if it means a decent meal. Your high-risk disease this week: African Swine Fever.
Taurus (The Bull): You’re a bull in a bear market, and a china shop this week. You’d better hope that was insured, because it costs more than your car. Better yet, don’t wait to find out – run!
Gemini (The Twins): It’s a good week for finishing up projects before the house empties out. You won’t finish, but you’ll feel better for having made the attempt. Your high-risk disease this week: Potomac Horse Fever.
Cancer (The Crab): This week will be like a gladiolus – the weekend will show the promise of the top bulb, waiting to blossom; Monday and Tuesday will burst forth in amazing color and glory, and the week will end with the last, lowest flowers already wilting and moldering into decay and decrepitude. Thursday will particularly suck, just so you know.
Leo (The Lion): Your piano waits for you – still. It’s lurking, waiting for its time. You could have been the next Liberace, and this week that piano will make its one last try for the music of your soul. Your high-risk disease this week: Liberibacter.
Virgo (The Virgin): By Tuesday you’ll realize that the mosquito bite you got over the weekend was probably a spider bite. By Wednesday, you’ll realize that you should have gone to the ER on Tuesday. By Thursday, you will truly understand the deeper meaning of the words “irrigate the wound.”
Libra (The Scale): You’ve never been pecked by a wild turkey before? Well, this week proves that there’s a first time for everything. Bring your gun, that’s what I say. Your high-risk disease this week: Besnoitiosis.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): Your summer has built up in intensity and excitement. All that’s over now; you’ll spend the week getting back to the grind, nose to the gristmill, shoulder to the wheel. Hey, it builds character. Tuesday in particular will be very character building.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This week, the only way to get by will be to take a picture of every kitten you see, then photoshop them all into little kitten latex outfits. Wednesday, break from this and try to envision yourself as a being of pure energy. You can’t, but mainlining a shitload of sugar will get you close. Your high-risk disease this week: Cassava Brown Streak.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This will be a good week for finding new and inventive ways to blow out candles. I didn’t say painless, I said inventive. Good luck with that.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): This week, while re-reading the Harry Potter books for the 13th time, you will realize that you’ve been pronouncing those names wrong for years. Try to remember that only you called them that – no one else needs to know! Your high-risk disease this week: Parvovirus.
Pisces (The Fish): The skin flaking off your shoulders does not mean you have an appealing personality, it means you’re an idiot with a sunburn. This week, try sunscreen for a change.