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August 31st, 2012

The Hobbesian Horoscope, 8/31/12

Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.

Happy Friday, here at the end of all things August!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

AriesAries (The Ram):    Tough break this week on Tuesday; who knew your phone would fit through the gap in that escalator?  Crushed and mangled, just like your dreams.  Bummer.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Argentine Hemorrhagic Fever.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):   You’ll want to avoid seafood this week.  And undercooked meats.  And most forms of blue cheese.  And, um, how to put this delicately – skip the beans, right?  In fact, this is a good week to start that diet. 

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):    Your double life as a mild-mannered housewife and action-packed crime fighter will be revealed this week; your cover will be blown.  Should have had that cape laundered somewhere else, Wonder Girl!  Your high-risk disease this week:   Hendra Virus.

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):   An error will occur in an application you were using.  Data about the error will be sent to your company.  They’re going to use this in the court proceedings, you know. 

LeoLeo (The Lion):   This is a good week for getting ready for things, by which I mean reviewing your times tables – you know you can’t remember 8 times 7 without using your fingers.  Hop to it!  Your high-risk disease this week:   Histoplasmosis.

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):  It’s your birthday; live it up!  Have that extra latte.  Next week will be back on your head.

LibraLibra (The Scale):  You will be invited to the opening of the new dance hall in your area this week.  Unfortunately, it’s a head shop in the back, and you’re going to be arrested with the rest of the crowd.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Corridor Disease.

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   School will prove too cool for itself, and you will have to party on your own this week.  Keep a disco ball in your locker.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  This is the kind of week where, when you have a job interview, the only question you’ll be asked is, “If you were a tree…”  Your high-risk disease this week:   Amebic Meningoencephalitis.

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   You will look out your window and see 25 little brown wrens and a single blue jay this Tuesday.  As you wonder what it could mean, remember that the blue jay is as freaked out as you are.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   You will do your happy dance on Monday, but it will prove premature.  Had you only trimmed your toenails, you might have gotten that part!  Ah, there’s always next week.   Til then, booze.   Your high-risk disease this week:   Epizootic Ulcerative Syndrome.

PiscesPisces (The Fish):    All that decaf will catch up with you this week; you’ll be falling asleep in the checkout line at the shoe store.  Take a power nap before you go out, just in case.  


Yep, looks like another post from the Big, Ugly Man Doll!