Happy first Friday in September! It won’t be happy, of course, but it’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp retort. Or, maybe it’s not, but it is another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This week you will be caught in the annual migration of the spider boxing butterflies, so named for their ability to go three rounds with any arachnid you can name, except on Sundays, when they refuse to fight are are eaten, but only under protest.
Taurus (The Bull): This week will be halfway almost going on the verge of not too bad, following your failure to duck tomorrow. And, um, right now. Duck! Your high-risk disease this week: Citrus Target Spot.
Gemini (The Twins): This will be a good week to try new means of transportation. Mind you, that will mean they’re new to you, not that they’re, you know, new. Besides, if you can’t have an airplane, you can at least have a pilot!
Cancer (The Crab): You should visit an oracle this week. Your fortune won’t be any better, but my friend the oracle gives me karmic kickbacks if I send folks his way. Your high-risk disease this week: Human Enterovirus 71.
Leo (The Lion): You will dream this week of the best BBQ you’ve ever had, then wake to the bitter realization that it was only a dream, mouth watering, yearning, drooling on your pillow. Roll over and go back to sleep in despair.
Virgo (The Virgin): The good: This week, you will turn to your friend and ask, “What is love?” The bad: they will look at you and say, “Five feet of heaven and a ponytail.” The ugly: You’re taller and have a short bob. Your high-risk disease this week: Rinderpest.
Libra (The Scale): It’s going to be beautiful in the Cayman Islands all week. Won’t do you a damn bit of good, of course, but just in case you were wondering – yes, people there are having fun.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is a great week for checking out new interests. Math, science, and foreign languages, for example. I’m not saying you’ll find them interesting, I’m just saying this is a good week for checking them out – whether you want to or not. Your high-risk disease this week: Snake Neurologic Respiratory Disease.
Sagittarius (The Archer): You will find yourself in a cheesy diner this week, staring at the menu and realizing that you want all of it. Everything looks good for a change. Unfortunately, you can only order one – the waitress is a “one mouth, one plate” kind of gal. Tipping her would be fun, but it’s still illegal.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This week, you will realize that your company will really go to the ends of the earth for its people. It will then hire its people for about 10 percent of the cost of Americans, and you’ll be let go before you can say Bangalore. Your high-risk disease this week: Mud Snail Neurotoxicosis.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You will reach the apex of your career this week, and isn’t that a scary thought. After this, it’s all downhill, filling out your TPS reports and checking your 401K seventeen times a day, just like that old guy in your office no one likes to talk to.
Pisces (The Fish): At least one photo a day. For a year. Or until 14 May 2012, whichever comes first. Don’t feel badly – some of us didn’t make it into March! This is your week to rebound. Your high-risk disease this week: Bunyavirus Disease.