Happy Friday! It won’t be happy, of course, but it’s better than a sharp blow to your all-too-fragile ego. Or, maybe it’s not, but it is another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This week, the flashbacks you’ve been having to your days in Vietnam will intensify. Since your days in Vietnam were spent in a posh hotel in the Hanoi shopping district for a two week vacation last summer, don’t expect a lot of sympathy. Your high-risk disease this week: Root Knot.
Taurus (The Bull): You’re not really going to wear that out of the house, are you? Do you not have a mirror? Geez.
Gemini (The Twins): This is a good week to stay off your toe. And foot. And leg. And, in fact, the other leg. You should really just relax. This is a good week for taking it easy and building up your endurance for the NEXT week. You’re going to need it. Your high-risk disease this week: Wart Potato Disease.
Cancer (The Crab): Every once in a while, you get a day so nice that nothing bad happening can really affect it; you’re just serenely calm and all’s well with the world. You won’t be having one of those days this week. Next week doesn’t look good either.
Leo (The Lion): This week you will truly, deeply find the truth about programming, which is the art of debugging an empty text file, and writing, which is the art of staring at a blank screen until drops of blood form on your forehead. Your life will not actually be made any simpler by knowing this. Your high-risk disease this week: Anaplasmosis.
Virgo (The Virgin): They say that an hour can be forever in the eyes of a child. That child would be the one on the plane in the seat in front of you, and the hour will be spent screaming its head off. Trust me on the forever part.
Libra (The Scale): Your new obsession with free fall and skydiving will end very, very suddenly this week. Please make sure your premiums are paid up. Your high-risk disease this week: Sarcocystosis.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is a good week for bothering other people about doing what you want to do. They won’t, but you’ll enjoy bothering them about it. Bother Bother Bother.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Yes, people out there really are turning music into gold. In the meantime, you should get a tattoo on your right upper thigh. Remember, pics or it didn’t happen. Your high-risk disease this week: Clostridium Chauvoei.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): Your careful cautious reserve will bite you in the ass this week when your 6th Grade nemesis shows up in a leather jacket and tight jeans, smoking a pack of Devil May Care and swilling expensive moonshine, and steals your girl.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Like a salmon desperately swimming upstream to fuck and die, your libido is going to get you in trouble again this week. Also like a salmon, this trouble will involve an unexpected bear. Your high-risk disease this week: Digital Dermatitis.
Pisces (The Fish): This is a good week for resting on your laurels and enjoying all the projects you’re thinking about finishing one of these days. You won’t have a chance, mind you, but this would have been a good week for it.