Happy Friday on the last day of summer! Tomorrow, the Equinox. Tomorrow, the beginning of the end of the year. Tomorrow, it all comes apart. Or, maybe it won’t, but either way it’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): That 3rd drink isn’t going to look like such a good idea when viewed through the bottom of the fifth. I’m just sayin’, is all.
Taurus (The Bull): This is the week to fess up to Aunt Em that you haven’t lived in Kansas for a long time now. Hey, who knows, she might be more open-minded than you think! You’ll never know until she kicks your ass to the curb. Live a little. Your high-risk disease this week: Conjunctivitis.
Gemini (The Twins): This week, you will become reacquainted with your old friend Raalph. It’s so good to see him again, so to speak.
Cancer (The Crab): The price of being good at everything is that you have to keep doing it. This week, you will break the bonds that chain you to your glorious destiny and take your willing place with the rest of us second-string slackers. Hey, we have cookies! Your high-risk disease this week: Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis Virus.
Leo (The Lion): Remember that guy who always complained that the disinfectants smelled worse than whatever you were disinfecting? Remember the job interview you have lined up for this week? Small world.
Virgo (The Virgin): Do you remember the feeling of having your nose dripping just a little in a socially awkward moment and you can’t reach the tissues and you don’t dare pick your nose and you can’t tell if your upper lip has started to glisten with the trail coming down your nose and it itches? Your whole week will be like that. Your high-risk disease this week: Curtobacterium Wilt.
Libra (The Scale): Count the books on your shelf this week. Count them a second time. More, aren’t there? You picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue, because you won’t know if it’s the DTs or if you’re really losing your mind this week.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): And that’s it, I’m afraid. There’s no more from you on the transcript, that’s the last I’ve got. I don’t know what stopped you talking but I can guess: they’re coming. Don’t blink. Don’t even blink. Blink and you’re dead. Your high-risk disease this week: Cedar Virus.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This is a good week for trading material goods for happiness, or at least calm. Even if it doesn’t last, you’re putting your past behind you.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You run a very real risk of being arrested this week, just for having bootleg VCR tapes of Shogun behind the couch. Hint: stop pissing off your babysitter. Your high-risk disease this week: Erysipelas.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): The clear crystal blue waters of the canals of Venice are beckoning you this week, singing, sighing, calling – come to me, come to me. Enjoy that dream, because if you ever get there you’ll find that the sludge in the Venetian canals is made of equal parts coffee and urine.
Pisces (The Fish): You’re coming down with the handy bug, which is making you think you can build, fix, or upgrade things that you should really know better than to touch this week. You’ve got an itch to hammer, a fever to ratchet, and a jonesin to screw. Good luck getting over the border. Your high-risk disease this week: New World Screwworm.