Happy Friday and welcome to postseason baseball. We’re now well into the short and nasty barrel of October, particularly if you’re a fan of the Atlanta Braves – it’s time to stop and reflect on just how awful the rest of the month will be. The couldas. The shouldas. The infield fly rule. And that’s just the political debates. Either way it’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): This will be one of those weeks that makes you look back fondly at the good old days when you were constipated. You might want to postpone that road trip.
Taurus (The Bull): I know you think it’s cool, but that hat is neither functional nor decorative. You look like a jerk in a hat. Lose it. Your high-risk disease this week: Neospora Caninum.
Gemini (The Twins): This is a good week to rock the benefits of sweaternomics, baby – it doesn’t matter how much the boots cost. The only thing that matters is how how they look with the dress you had to buy to go with them.
Cancer (The Crab): You are getting very sleepy. Follow this watch with your eyes. See the reflection of your soul as it ticks back and forth. You are very sleepy. OK, good. Now take off your clothes. Your high-risk disease this week: African Sleeping Sickness.
Leo (The Lion): This is a good week for introspection and thinking about next year. No, not really. It’s a good week for beer. Find a decent six pack – you’re going to need it.
Virgo (The Virgin): Your lucky numbers are nine and six, but your safeword is “harder.” This might be a good week to think about changing that. Your high-risk disease this week: Bacterial Vaginosis.
Libra (The Scale): Looks like a good week for getting to that restaurant you’ve been talking about. Too bad they’re out of beer.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is a good week for learning the true meaning of crushing, incomprehensible defeat. I’m not saying you’ll enjoy it, mind you… Your high-risk disease this week: Astrovirus.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This week, you’ll see someone else riding around town with the girl you love, and you’ll be like, “Fuck you!” Sorry about that – I guess the change in your pockets just wasn’t enough for her. Why don’t you talk to your dad about it?
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): Remember that book you sent out to the publishers nearly a year ago? Pop the bubbly, baby, you’ll finally get that rejection letter this week. The long wait is over. Time for another envelop. Your high-risk disease this week: Balantidiasis.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): I still can’t believe you’d go steal that Sagittarious’s girlfriend. Or should I say, outbid? Enjoy it while it lasts – she’ll never forget you ’til somebody new comes around.
Pisces (The Fish): Never admit anything. You may be offered the Nobel Peace Prize this week – duck. Tell them it wasn’t you. If you stick your head up this week, it’s going to get shot at. You know, like all the rest of the weeks. Your high-risk disease this week: Aspergillosis.