Happy brisk October Friday! It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): The weather will get colder, but your wardrobe will not keep up. By Wednesday, that miniskirt will seem like a really bad idea. Particularly since it doesn’t quite hide your jockstrap. Your high-risk disease this week: Blastocystis Hominis.
Taurus (The Bull): Do you remember the scene in the horror movie when the soon-to-be-victim tries to scream, but they’re too scared and nothing comes out and they can’t move because they’re paralyzed with fear? Yes? You’re really not going to enjoy Thursday.
Gemini (The Twins): Looks like you picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. Monday you’ll notice that your bar is dangerously empty, but you won’t fill it. Your high-risk disease this week: Sixth Disease.
Cancer (The Crab): You will try to learn a new software application this week, in one week flat. You will fail, of course, but hey – good on you for trying. It’s OK; nobody learns everything about SAP in a week except Chuck Norris.
Leo (The Lion): This is a good last week to tune up the bike and light out for the open road – it’s getting cold out there. You won’t be cold, thought – your high-risk disease this week is Brazilian Hemorrhagic Fever. (So named because someone once asked, “What’s her temperature?” and the answer was, “Oh man, she’s a brazilian degrees!”
Virgo (The Virgin): Have you ever been to Red Hot and Blue after hours, when they close the doors and lock the windows so no one can see that it’s not really pigs they’re cooking? You’re going to regret this on Tuesday, but not as much as you’ll regret the “Big Rib Special.”
Libra (The Scale): This week, you will find yourself faced with the words “the Smurfs are all geared toward a reading skill” and you will suddenly understand, with a terribly knowing, the meaning of “learning through play.” You will never un-learn this, just like your Virgo friend with the rib platter. Your high-risk disease this week: Calicivirus.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): What are you doing reading this? Don’t you have work to do?
Sagittarius (The Archer): Life goes on, and you’re coming along for the ride. It gets better, mostly, and for moderate values of “better,” but still. Your high-risk disease this week: Cat-Scratch Disease. No, it’s not just a song.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You would like a budgetary quote that you can run past your client. Your vendor would like a blank check and a promise of more to come. Your kid would like a tricycle and a teddy bear, and people in hell want ice water. Good luck with that.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): This is the week you finally realize you’ve been manipulated all your life. Monday, you will confront your puppet master, only to find it’s some guy named Mac who had no idea you were actually responding to his input – he didn’t know you were real. Kill him, then confront your guilt. Your high-risk disease this week: Buruli Ulcer.
Pisces (The Fish): You will pay good money to hear a speaker from your own damn company talk about how they’re going to find new ways to screw you, and then you’ll thank them for the privilege.